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Billy the Monster
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Adolecent Hell
May 19th, 2008 at 9:40pm
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I would like to begin a series of stories in this thread along this theme. I got the idea for this a few years back when a friend gave me a copy of "I SURVIVED CATHOLIC SCHOOL" I laughed so hard reading those stories I almost passed out. Having been raised in a strict Irish Catholic working class household in the early sixties when I entered adolecence I was really able to relate to those hilarious episodes. So here are a few of my stories from a time when America was a different place and things were much simpler (or were they?)

Here is a sampling of the chapters I hope to soon post:

Why I hate sunday

How the Russians ruined Trick or treat

Sister Mary Vin-slap

I was a 12 YO Pornography entrepreneur

We all survived adolecence (some lonnnnggggerrrr ago than others  Smiley so I hope some of you will relate and get a grin or two out of 'em.

Wink

Billy
  

COMMO CHECK....YOU ARE COMING IN BROKEN AND STUPID.....OVER

WE MADE IT CLEAR WE WERE UNCLEAR....Obamao

THE PRESS IS OUR CHIEF IDEOLOGICAL WEAPON....Nikita Khruschev

LIES, LIES AND MORE LIES
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Billy the Monster
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Re: Adolecent Hell
Reply #1 - May 19th, 2008 at 10:08pm
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WHY I HATED SUNDAY (Part 1)

Sunday is supposed to be a day of rest right? Ya know, sleeping in taking it easy a nice dinner after church then watching a ball game on your 12 inch black and white TV with the three channels.

Not in our house. My Dad used to LOVE Sundays, he Loved 'em so much he made sure he got up at about 5 AM to start enjoying them. See, he had enough senority at the Mill to Have Sundays off so that meant it would be miserable for the rest of us.
Dad was nothing if not a dyed in wool Catholic working man, a democrat, a union man and raising a fine family. SO Sunday we HAD to go to 10 AM mass and we HAD to receive communion. Now in 1962, the rules of the church were different, you HAD to fast 3 hrs before taking the host. DADDY had it down to a stop watch accuracy.

He'd get up at 5 am and make breakfast for Mom and us kids to allow us to "Hay in" as he put it until 6:30, then we hadda be finished eating and starting to get ready for Mass.

The army was a snap compared to my Dad's Sunday morning inspection of all of us before going to Church. He would take this whisk broom and slash at you like a wildman getting the last pieces of lint, like being attacked with a garden rake. Then it was in the old nash rambler for a drive to Church. Of course he had to wear a hat, never left the house without one. In those Days Mass used to last about two hours, during this time I would be faint with hunger, especially during the summer time, listening to the priest drone on was sheer torture. BUT ya better listen coz Monday morning when I returned to school you hadda write a paper on the Sermon. Hard to do, listen to the Priest and keep Dad awake with a subtle nudge, coz he would usually fall a sleep and snore...real loud. But it was my job to see to it.

After Mass was over came the REAl torture, Mom would announce the "Surprise"
we were going to Aunt Jen's, her half sisters for Sunday dinner. 'Oh Boy Oh Boy Oh Boy' Dad would say, rubbing his belly. Awwwww #***, I would say under my breath.  Of all the worst things in the world that could happen to a kid, Sunday Dinner at Aunt Jen's was about the worst. Aunt Jen and her husband Ralph, a polish refugee were nice enough people, but Aunt Jen made the most awful disgusting food anyone could imagine, things that she and my parents ate during the depression like boiled pig snouts in white gravy or roasted chicken feet in sour cream sauce. Dad loved it, but what he loved more was sitting down with Uncle Ralph (who spoke little english) and knocking back enough booze to float a battle ship, they found the common language of booze buddies I guess.

How Uncle Ralph could drink that much I could never figgur out, he was about 6'3 and weighed 140 lbs soaking wet. Compared to Aunt Jen who was the original 4X4
four feet tall by four feet wide. They looked like the number ten standing next to each other.

(countinued)


Billy



 
  

COMMO CHECK....YOU ARE COMING IN BROKEN AND STUPID.....OVER

WE MADE IT CLEAR WE WERE UNCLEAR....Obamao

THE PRESS IS OUR CHIEF IDEOLOGICAL WEAPON....Nikita Khruschev

LIES, LIES AND MORE LIES
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LadyBug
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Re: Adolecent Hell
Reply #2 - May 20th, 2008 at 11:25am
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Cute story so far, billy. I'm happy to say, while I never cared much for Sundays either, yours were a lot worse than mine!  Cheesy
  
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Billy the Monster
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Re: Adolecent Hell
Reply #3 - May 21st, 2008 at 2:45am
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WHY I HATE SUNDAYS (Part 2)

Naturally we have to stop and get Aunt Jen her "suprise" which is a loaf of fresh baked Italian bread which she loved, the only place open on a Sunday is this
Rexall drugs store that carried the stuff. So we gotta stop and I gotta go in.
Of course I'm not allowed to take off my suit coat and my bow tie (yes bow tie)
I hadda wear one under pain of death, just lemme say that wearing a bow tie was NOT COOL to us kids, you got teased unmercifully for something like that. Now I have to go into this place and get bread, running the gauntlet of the older kids outside
of course I heard all the smart *** comments and laughs which made me feel like and idiot. Now that I got this loaf of bread we can go.

It all adds to my misery coz my stomach feels like a pack of timberwolves are tearing through it and I'm holding this delicious smelling bread I can't have a bite of coz ..."you'll ruin your dinner".  My sister is sitting next to me and making faces after miming eating Aunt Jens cooking, trying to get me to laugh, it makes me fel worse knowing I'm starving and I'll have to eat some nauseating stuff. Anyhow we pull up to the place. Now Aunt Jen and her husband lived in this rental unit a big old house that looked like something the Adams family would occupy. They lived on the second floor and you had to walk up a flight of steep steps. As soon as we get there Aunt Jen starts yelling her greeting and waving, Mom answers back and pretty soon the whole world knows we're there with them carrying on like it's a twenty year reunion when we were there just last week.

Up I go to the steps and Aunt Jen rushes forward and hugs me, its like being mauled by a sumo wrestler, I use my only defensive tactic, AUNTJENHERESYOUREYETALUN BREAD' I'd blurt out with my last breath. Food, the thought of food would mesmerize Aunt Jen like a deer in the headlights, I'd scramble to safety while she took it and
focus her next wide armed charge on my sister, who being smaller could easily dodge a bear hug.

The house was HOT, REAL hot, not only coz She'd been cooking all morning for our arival but she ALWAYS kept the windows closed, summer and winter coz her Doctor told her she couldn't have too much air. Yeah Aunt jen was a border line hypocondriac
who beleived "too much air" could give you everything from shingles to Pneumonia.
So while everybody made a fuss over each other I'd sneak away and get ride of my suitcoat and stupid tie on the pretext of going into the living room to see Uncle Ralph. By that time of day Uncle ralph was so soused I could have been the Pope and he wouldn'ta known. Soon my Dad came in and pulled out a fifth of McNaughton Irish whisky and the two of them had their first belt together.

Finally, the moment of truth was at hand, Aunt Jen called us all to the table for Dinner
There was no escape...


Billy
  

COMMO CHECK....YOU ARE COMING IN BROKEN AND STUPID.....OVER

WE MADE IT CLEAR WE WERE UNCLEAR....Obamao

THE PRESS IS OUR CHIEF IDEOLOGICAL WEAPON....Nikita Khruschev

LIES, LIES AND MORE LIES
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Billy the Monster
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Re: Adolecent Hell
Reply #4 - May 21st, 2008 at 3:20am
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SUNDAYS (Cont'd)

Aunt Jen had it all worked out "The boys" sat on one side, "The Girls" on the other, primarily coz she took up three chairs. Of course, I had to say grace. Here I am looking down on this assortment of revolting dishes like ox tongue in onions and creamed peas and praying I could have a rump roast or roast chicken under my breath. So like a condemned man I sit down and eyeballing the whole mess looking for something I can eat. I notice some mashed potatoes and rolls great. No luck,
as I'm sitting next to Dad he makes sure he loads up my plate with all the wierd food so there's no room for anything good.

So I'd pick at my pigs feet and watch my sister make faces. Aunt Jen would say something like "......oooohhh whatsa matter Honey? You Sick?" Aunt Jen equated a hearty appetite with health, if you didn't eat this stuff you must be sick. Mom would
whisper to her "I don't think he likes it". Boy that was it, If my Dad heard he would
go berserk, Not only did he love this garbage, he would get mad if you didn;t like it "Whattya mean you don't like it? That's the trouble with these kids, don't know what good food is. All ya wanna eat is those Hamburgers and junk". This was followed by a lecture of how this stuff kept them alive in the depression and Uncle Ralph considered himself so darn lucky to get a meal like this in Poland with the Nazi's chasing him around. I always figgured if the Nazi's caught uncle Ralph they would have made him eat stuff like this to torture him, but I never had the courage to say something like that.

To make things worse, I had to talk during this meal, Dad would warn me ahead of time I better practise the art of conversation at the table. Whattamy gonna say? So Mom would say something like "Why don't you tell Aunt Jen about the dentist" Sure, Aunt Jen loved hearing about medical problems and other peoples misery so as I had to relive this excrutiating detail of having my teeth drilled for her amusement. I would often get a reprieve when Aunt Jen would suddenly recall "Mrytle Smiths Hemrroid operation" or some such crap. Lost in Gossip, Dad, Uncle Ralph and me were allowed to retire to the living room, they got to drink and I got to watch...no TV.

After about an hour both of them were pickled enough Dad wouldn't notice if I snuck out on the front porch and just sat there looking at passing cars and wishing we could get out of this furnace of a place. I would wish that we could go Visit my Dad brother Uncle John coz they had a nice house in the country and his Wife always served food fit for human consumption, as a plus they had one of the new "colorized" TV's, and I could sneak looks at my 16 Year Old cousin who was allowed to wear make up and short skirts. But since Uncle John was on the Wagon Dad wouldn't get his booze ration so that was out.

Round about 5 PM it was time for round two. Aunt Jen set her "supper table" left over
stuff from dinner, gotta gag the rest of it down. Then as a reward, Aunt Jen would break out the Pincochole deck and the four of them would go at it while Dad and Uncle Ralph washed down Dinner with a few dozen beers. We had to stay until like 8
O'clock so we would miss all the cool TV programs like Walt Disney. How Dad managed the drive home with a load on I'll never know.

By the time we got home I'd here for the hundreth time how much Aunt Jen loved us and thats why she made such special sunday Dinner's. "After all" My mom would say...."if anything happens to your Father and me You kids would go live with Her and Uncle Ralph, they are your Godparents."

I always thought to myself if anything happened and I had to live with them I'd run away and join the circus...food would have to be better.

    END



Billy
  

COMMO CHECK....YOU ARE COMING IN BROKEN AND STUPID.....OVER

WE MADE IT CLEAR WE WERE UNCLEAR....Obamao

THE PRESS IS OUR CHIEF IDEOLOGICAL WEAPON....Nikita Khruschev

LIES, LIES AND MORE LIES
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Billy the Monster
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Re: Adolecent Hell
Reply #5 - May 21st, 2008 at 3:51am
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HOW THE COMMUNISTS RUINED TRICK OR TREAT
                          or

"THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING!!!!!!!!!!"

Part 1


There are so many things that Adults do and say to scare the Hell out of you when your a kid it doesn't take much to make you want to run and hide under the bed.
Things like you can't go swimming for an hour after you eat or you'll drown, rusty nails give you blood poison and then of course there is Nuclear annihilation. Like most kids growing up in the sixties I was inundated with "ATOMIC bombs are gonna fall on us any day". Not only did that scare us kids, but the adults as well. I mean we had air raid shelters in school and drills on what to do if we get nuked, things like hide under your desk and cover your head, if you were on the bus then run out and lay face down in a ditch.

I guess for me it started one day when we were watching the 12 inch black and white and some old, fat bald Dude was yelling in a foreign language, what ever he was saying was making my mother cry, it was making my Dad mad too, he was yelling back at the TV and shaking his fist...all this made my Mom cry even more and my sister started in with one of her wails and that was it, I decided to hide under the bed until it everybody settled down.

The guy (I found out later) was some Russian named KROOSCHOFFF or somthing, this guy said he was gonna bury us....huh? Yup, said he was gonna bury us, kill us, probably blast us with his atom bombs...any day now. How come this Russian guy wantsta blow us up.....Coz he's a COMMUNIST...thats why.....(stupid kid).

Well a COMMUNIST is this horrible person who lives is Russia, where its cold all the time and they don't have nothin' to eat except stuff like Aunt Jen makes Uncle Ralph.
They aren't allowed to own anything like cars and if they listen to radio or TV they go to a place called Siberia where its even colder and like a jail. They wanna take us over and make us slaves and we'll have to work in factories making tanks and stuff (cool!) but the big thing about communists is....they don't beleive in God and they aren't allow to go to church that means they're going to hell...this of course came from the Nuns in school.  That was it, I knew I didn't wanna be a communist...I mean maybe the stuff about not having to go to Church was okay and making tanks in a factory sounded neat but if I wasn't allowed to own a car how am I gonna get a girlfriend when I get older and I like TV and listening to the Radio.

I was also pretty mad at this KROOSCHOFF guy...How dare he upset my Mother and make my sister cry.

We used to have these classes in school where they would show films like what would happen in an atomic attack, how to build shelters andlive through the blast and the fall out, there was stuff in there like using a vacum cleaner to take the radiation particles off of you...like in a nuclear holocost theres gonna be electricity. There was also details on how to build a shelter. I remember people building these shelters in their yard, you could buy one, looked like a big septic tank.

But my Dad decided he wasn't gonna build a nuclear shelter, he was gonna bomb proof our clapboard house, with the tar paper roofing shingles circa 1920.

(Cont'd)

Billy
« Last Edit: May 21st, 2008 at 4:37am by Billy the Monster »  

COMMO CHECK....YOU ARE COMING IN BROKEN AND STUPID.....OVER

WE MADE IT CLEAR WE WERE UNCLEAR....Obamao

THE PRESS IS OUR CHIEF IDEOLOGICAL WEAPON....Nikita Khruschev

LIES, LIES AND MORE LIES
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Billy the Monster
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Re: Adolecent Hell
Reply #6 - May 21st, 2008 at 4:33am
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PART 2

Daddy-o was on the case, he was gonna make sure we survived if the Russians bombed us. Most people in our steel Mill town were certain we were gonna get it first coz the Russians probably though we made tanks and stuff in the mills instead of
steel that got sent to Detroit and became fords and Chevy's. So we started in on the project. Since we couldn't afford a fancy air raid shelter, we decided our basement was the best chance we had. So Mom and Sis got to work stocking the place with cans, I carried boards down there and made makeshift cots. Dad stored an extra case of beer (he wasn't gonna do with out beer, nuclear holocost or not!)

Like most places, we heated our house in the winter with a coal furnace, a big iron and metal thing in the basement, there was a coal bin that was loaded by backing a truck up to some double doors and dumped the load in a wooden bin. Dad said when the bombs came me and sis were to hide in the furnace, he would close the door and him and mom would lay in the coal bin covered up with a blanket....question...what if they bomb us in the wintertime and there's a fire in the furnace?...do I still gotta get in? "don't be a smart alec......"

Dad also nailed an extra layer of wood on the coal chute doors....that'll keep out the megatons! Yessir!

I was getting madder and madder at these Russians, I gotta do all this work, plus they are upsetting Mom and everybody else, who the hell were they anyhow to scare us and make us crawl into our basements and hide????

I was brought up on WW2 lore, My Dad and all my Uncles had been in the big fight, the worst thing in the world was a nazi, Dad said, at one time the Russians were our allies and both of us fought the Nazi's...I still couldn't figgur out what the beef was. Uncle Ralph had a big problem with the "Rooshnickz" as he pronounced it. He lived through the Nazi invasion to see Poland Overrun by Russians whom he hated worse, he decided it was enough and ran away before "they" got him. Now he was afraid the "Rooshnickzz" were gonna finally catch up with him.

Well, it almost happened. The Russians went and parked missles in Cuba and aimed them at us, everybody was crapping their pants, they sent us home from school early. When I got home Mom was crying again, bringing extra food and blankets and stuff into the basement. Dad came home from work...didn't even stop at the local bar for a quick one, I saw he was actually scared...huh?...my Dad, verteran oF the Normandy landing, depression era prize fighter...scared? WHOAAAAA.

He ordered the Ladies into the basement. Me upstairs, break out the deer rifle, your 22. and an old double barreled shot gun. I carried the guns into the basement and Dad loaded up all the ammo from last years hunting season. "use hollow points son". He said, counting out his rounds. I suppose it seems kinda silly today, Ozzie and Harriet living in the basement waiting for a nuke strike while their 12 year old counts out bullets for his single shot 22. But at the time it wasn't, looking back on the whole of the Cuban Missle crisis in October of 1962, one realizes just how close it could have been.

But the Irish Knights of Camelot, the flamboyant Kennedy saved us. We went to Church after that and prayed and thanked God and we were truly relieved we weren't gonna get incinerated and didn't have to live in that dank, coal dusty old basement anymore. The Russians backed down. HAH! I didn't realize it at the time, but my Dad probably had a lot in common with Nikita Krushiev, both of them had fought Nazi's in WW2, both liked to yell a lot and they both liked to drink. I figgur if Dad ever met the Russian premier he woulda likely started him drinking Jameson Irish whiskey instead of Vodka, they probably would have been hanging all over each other singing drunken songs like A**hole buddies.

But even though the Ruskies got their missles out of Cuba, folks were still worried, the adults figgured it would be best if all the kids stayed home that halloween in case those sneaky commies turned around in the middle of the night and blasted us while we we out halloweening.

I disliked Commies even more after that, sometimes people would ask me why IO got such a case of the A** against them.

Hey, the SOB's ruined trick or treat.

END


BILLY
« Last Edit: May 21st, 2008 at 4:44am by Billy the Monster »  

COMMO CHECK....YOU ARE COMING IN BROKEN AND STUPID.....OVER

WE MADE IT CLEAR WE WERE UNCLEAR....Obamao

THE PRESS IS OUR CHIEF IDEOLOGICAL WEAPON....Nikita Khruschev

LIES, LIES AND MORE LIES
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