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Liberty News ForumLNF Forums HereThe Writer's Croft - Creative Writing Corner › A lullaby for Bernie. (commentary, critique)
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Hot Topic (More than 10 Replies) A lullaby for Bernie. (commentary, critique) (Read 3,624 times)
Writers_Block
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Re: A lullaby for Bernie.
Reply #10 - Mar 14th, 2013 at 10:54pm
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What am I rushing exactly? I don't understand.


I think you could have drawn it out, showing the developing relationship.

Quote:
Of course, but you are not supposed to.


I'm just confused as to where you're going with this. I keep thinking about your intro and figuring somehow you're coming back to that or just show the character have a different view of women. I guess I'm somehow waiting for that "twist" of turn events that you did in the last piece.
  
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Writers_Block
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Re: A lullaby for Bernie.
Reply #11 - Mar 14th, 2013 at 10:56pm
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You're not supposed to know these things at this point.
What do you want from me, a summation of the story ahead? That wouldn't make sense much now, would it?
The narrator is not supposed to conform to your personal conception of good or bad, why would he?
One of Agatha Christie's narrators was a murderer, we don't learn that before the end of the story

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Murder_of_Roger_Ackroyd#Plot_summary.

Your questions don't make much sense, sorry.


I'm just not seeing the point of the story, sorry. Your first story "spoiled" me.
  
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Darwinist
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Re: A lullaby for Bernie.
Reply #12 - Mar 14th, 2013 at 11:18pm
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I'm trying to figure out why you started it off like you did.....what is the point of the guy saying he's essentially a womanizer. Then suddenly you introduce the woman, I guess the arm candy woman. You're giving me two issues and not sure where you're going with it.

I guess I was expecting another piece like you did before.

Perhaps you should just let tycoon continue with the story. It's not required that you know where he's "going with it" at this point. That's part of the fun of reading: discovery.
  

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thetycoon
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Re: A lullaby for Bernie.
Reply #13 - Mar 14th, 2013 at 11:34pm
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I think you could have drawn it out, showing the developing relationship.


That's not what this story is about.
Quote:
I'm just confused as to where you're going with this. I keep thinking about your intro and figuring somehow you're coming back to that or just show the character have a different view of women. I guess I'm somehow waiting for that "twist" of turn events that you did in the last piece.

You didn't know where I was going the first time, did you?
Why should it be any different this time.
Did you want me to tell the same story, to plagiarize myself?
You're not making any sense.



Everyone notch it back one gear, please. There's beginning to be more talking "at" than "to" one another. Wink
---TFNM
« Last Edit: Mar 15th, 2013 at 12:44am by Darwinist »  
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Writers_Block
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Re: A lullaby for Bernie.
Reply #14 - Mar 15th, 2013 at 1:58am
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Darwinist wrote on Mar 14th, 2013 at 11:18pm:
I'm trying to find out the correlation of his intro to the scene of the woman. It's like two different stories, the first never having any sort of connection.

So now you're telling me how I can critique?

No. But I am reminding you there's a specific thread for posting constructive criticism. Wink
---YFNM
« Last Edit: Mar 15th, 2013 at 11:33am by Darwinist »  
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Writers_Block
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Re: A lullaby for Bernie. (commentary, critique)
Reply #15 - Mar 15th, 2013 at 1:59am
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Tycoon. In your first attempt at writing you seemed to have a unique style of twists and turns where the ending is a complete surprise. I was hoping you were going to develop the style that obviously works for you.


In this piece, I just don't see the plot. Every story has to have a plot. What's yours?


Don't go getting mad at me. I'm dealing with the story and that alone. I am wanting you to explain what the first scene, the scene where your character is a lech to the scene where he's definitely attracted to the woman. I don't see any plot developing,
« Last Edit: Mar 15th, 2013 at 2:13am by »  
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thetycoon
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Re: A lullaby for Bernie. (commentary, critique)
Reply #16 - Mar 15th, 2013 at 4:25am
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Tycoon. In your first attempt at writing you seemed to have a unique style of twists and turns where the ending is a complete surprise. I was hoping you were going to develop the style that obviously works for you.

Well, maybe my style consists in trying something different each time.
Quote:
In this piece, I just don't see the plot. Every story has to have a plot. What's yours?

The plot will be revealed as the story unfurls. If I tell you more than that I'll spoil the surprises ahead. I've already said too much since now you'll be expecting surprises. Wink
Quote:
Don't go getting mad at me. I'm dealing with the story and that alone. I am wanting you to explain what the first scene, the scene where your character is a lech to the scene where he's definitely attracted to the woman. I don't see any plot developing,

I don't see how there can be any character development at this point since we barely know some of the characters as it is.

There's a man, he's talking about himself a little and then about this girl he's with. It's the present, nothing is really happening, the man is just explaining the whole thing to us.

Then he tell us how he met the girl in question (flash back six months before the present time)

Now we're back in the present and the story PER SE begins. (Past tense since the man has already lived through (part of) that story)

The man is back from a dangerous mission and rendezvous with the girl at a bar and then agrees to go see a hypnotist at a music hall.

That's it. We're there. From our point of view, almost nothing has happened yet. Why would there be any character development in so short a time?
« Last Edit: Mar 15th, 2013 at 4:46am by »  
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Darwinist
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Re: A lullaby for Bernie.
Reply #17 - Mar 15th, 2013 at 8:54am
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I'm trying to find out the correlation of his intro to the scene of the woman. It's like two different stories, the first never having any sort of connection.

So now you're telling me how I can critique?

To me the joined submissions read like one of those "Sam Spade"-type extended intros that suddenly flares into something bigger. And that's my impression only if I allow myself to get ahead of the story and start ladling personal expectations all over it. ...Why would a person do that?

It's nothing you're writing, so let the pages turn as they will until you have something solid to criticize. I'm just suggesting that you give tycoon a chance to actually get wherever he's going.
  

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Writers_Block
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Re: A lullaby for Bernie. (commentary, critique)
Reply #18 - Mar 15th, 2013 at 7:13pm
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Well, maybe my style consists in trying something different each time.
The plot will be revealed as the story unfurls. If I tell you more than that I'll spoil the surprises ahead. I've already said too much since now you'll be expecting surprises. Wink
I don't see how there can be any character development at this point since we barely know some of the characters as it is.

There's a man, he's talking about himself a little and then about this girl he's with. It's the present, nothing is really happening, the man is just explaining the whole thing to us.

Then he tell us how he met the girl in question (flash back six months before the present time)

Now we're back in the present and the story PER SE begins. (Past tense since the man has already lived through (part of) that story)

The man is back from a dangerous mission and rendezvous with the girl at a bar and then agrees to go see a hypnotist at a music hall.

That's it. We're there. From our point of view, almost nothing has happened yet. Why would there be any character development in so short a time?



You have just so much time to hook your reader. You need to show your character as soon as possible and you need to give some taste as to what the story is about. You've done two episodes and there's no development of character nor plot.
  
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Darwinist
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Re: A lullaby for Bernie. (commentary, critique)
Reply #19 - Mar 16th, 2013 at 12:00pm
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You have just so much time to hook your reader.

You are obviously an impatient reader who demands instant gratification. May I suggest Murosaki's The Tale of Genji to you? Classical Japanese fiction may introduce you to a whole new way of looking at things, and possibly even de-emphasize this apparent mental fetish you have for Tempo über alle.
  

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