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GOP OnStar
Mar 17th, 2017 at 1:50pm
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GOP OnStar: May I help you?

Citizen: Oh thank God. This car just came...came...plunging out of the sky right in front of me. It’s on fire and I think there are people trapped inside.

GOP OnStar: Turn right immediately.

Citizen: But...but, I said that I think there are people trapped inside.

GOP OnStar: Yes, sir. I heard you. Are you a doctor?

Citizen: No.

GOP OnStar: Well then don’t worry; someone will be along shortly to take care of it. We suspect...terrorists...are behind it, so you need to leave. Immediately.

Citizen: Terrorists? Really?

GOP OnStar: Yes sir.

Citizen: Ok, well I was trying to find a my way to a rational position on Iraq, and...

GOP OnStar: Turn right immediately.

Citizen (continuing): ...I got lost.

GOP OnStar: Turn right immediately.

Citizen: I’m also running a little low on gas, so I’ll need a good energy polic...

GOP OnStar: Turn right immediately.

Citizen: ...y.

GOP OnStar: Turn right immediately.

Citizen: It’s also getting pretty hot in here, so if you could tell me where I could find a scientifically sound environmental plan too.

GOP OnStar: Turn right immediately.

Citizen: Are you sure?

GOP OnStar: Keep turning right.

Citizen: But the signs all say “No Exit Strategy”?

GOP OnStar: Turn right immediately.

Citizen: It, uh, doesn’t look like there’s a road there?

GOP OnStar: Keep turning right.

Citizen: It’s dark. I can’t see anything.

GOP OnStar: Turn right immediately.

Citizen: Look I’m driving through a crappity smacking forest and I can’t see a damned thing.

GOP OnStar: Keep turning right.

Citizen: Is this even a person? Is this a recording?! There. Is. No. Road. Here.

GOP OnStar: No sir, this is not a recording. I am Karl, your GOP OnStar operator. Your destination is directly ahead of you, to the right. And the terrorists are directly behind you. They're gaining fast, so you need to keep accelerating and turning right.

Citizen: I swear to Christ, OnStar, if you're crappity smacking with me I will never, ever...aughhhhhhhhhh!

GOP OnStar: Sir?

Citizen: Aughhhhhhhhhh!

Sound of a massive crash.

Silence.

GOP OnStar: Sir?

Pause.

GOP OnStar: Sir?

Gurgling sounds. Sizzling sounds of cooking meat. Signal ends.

GOP OnStar: Hehehe.

Long pause.

Phone ringing.

GOP OnStar: GOP OnStar. May I help you?

Another Citizen: Holy shit! This car, it just came out of nowhere. Just...fell. Out of the god damned sky. Right in front of me. Right in front of me!

GOP OnStar: Turn right. Immediately.


  
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Re: GOP OnStar
Reply #1 - Mar 17th, 2017 at 2:21pm
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Heh heh heh, does everybody see now what an overdose does to you.
Grin Grin Grin Grin
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