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Jasmine
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OT: If Bert were President
Jan 11th, 2018 at 8:33pm
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BERT: Thanks for coming, guys. Yesterday's inauguration ceremonies were great, but now it's time we roll up our sleeves and get to work. Let's start with a report from our Vice President. Harry?

HARRY: Well, I know we're just a few hours into our job, but I've already started working on a list of tasks that I want to get accomplished in our first 100 days.

BERT: Excellent. Josie?

JOSIE: Mr. President, as your Chief of Staff, I am working on a list of protocols to ensure that your administration will be as smooth as possible. I should have everything finalized by the end of the week.

BERT: Very good. Archie?

ARCHIE: Mr. President, as your Secretary of Defense, I have just ordered a sweeping review of our military weaponry technology. I will do my best to improve our weapons systems for all of our Armed Forces branches.

BERT: Good job. Mr. Secretary of State?

MAESTRO: Mr. President, I am working on a travel schedule to meet with my counterparts from India and Japan. I realize we have an ambitious agenda, but I we will be able to roll everything out in a matter of weeks.

BERT: Bowhunter?

BOWHUNTER: Yes, Mr. President?

BERT: More coffee, please. This time, add some more cream. And less sugar.

BOWHUNTER: Yessir. (Walks away)

BERT: Let's see. Is that everyone? We're all good?

JOSIE: Mr. President, Jasmine is missing.

BERT: Yes. She mentioned she might be a little late. We'll just...

*Oval Office door swings open. Jasmine walks in, covered in dry blood*

MAESTRO: Holy crap.

HARRY: What the heck?

BERT: Jasmine?!?

JASMINE: Hey, Boss! Sorry I'm late! I just finished executing 12,407 criminals!!! Yeah, babyyyy!!!

BERT: How...how is that possible? It's only been one day.

JASMINE: Hey, I *TOLD* you I'd be the most efficient Secretary of Executions & Torture in history! Cheesy

BERT: I didn't realize we even had that many people on death row.

JASMINE: Death...row?

JOSIE: Ohhhh maaaannn.

BERT: You mean, you just started executing convicts all willy-nilly in our prisons?

JASMINE: Prisons?

ARCHIE: Oh, $*@%.

BERT: Okay, we've got to get ahead of the media on this. We can't have a crisis on our first day. Stu, you're my spokesman. How can we spin this?

STU GATZE: Well, Mr. President, I suggest we say that Secretary Jasmine has already taken steps to solve the problem of overpopulated prisons. A smaller prison population is sure to reduce taxpayer costs and help energize our economy. Perhaps we can even say that her actions will further drive our record-breaking stock markets...

JASMINE: Here's a stock tip: Put all your money in woodchipper companies. Ha ha ha ha ha!! Cheesy

MAESTRO: Mr. President, is it wise to keep Jasmine in your cabinet? She doesn't seem very stable.

JASMINE: I'M STABLE! I AM, I AM, I AM! Yeah. AND I'M A GENIUS, TOO. BWAHAHAHA! Cheesy

JOSIE: I didn't even know "Secretary of Executions & Torture" as an official position.

BERT: Well, I promised...

  


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Re: OT: If Bert were President
Reply #1 - Jan 11th, 2018 at 8:57pm
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Jasmine wrote on Jan 11th, 2018 at 8:33pm:
BERT: Thanks for coming, guys. Yesterday's inauguration ceremonies were great, but now it's time we roll up our sleeves and get to work. Let's start with a report from our Vice President. Harry?

HARRY: Well, I know we're just a few hours into our job, but I've already started working on a list of tasks that I want to get accomplished in our first 100 days.

BERT: Excellent. Josie?

JOSIE: Mr. President, as your Chief of Staff, I am working on a list of protocols to ensure that your administration will be as smooth as possible. I should have everything finalized by the end of the week.

BERT: Very good. Archie?

ARCHIE: Mr. President, as your Secretary of Defense, I have just ordered a sweeping review of our military weaponry technology. I will do my best to improve our weapons systems for all of our Armed Forces branches.

BERT: Good job. Mr. Secretary of State?

MAESTRO: Mr. President, I am working on a travel schedule to meet with my counterparts from India and Japan. I realize we have an ambitious agenda, but I we will be able to roll everything out in a matter of weeks.

BERT: Bowhunter?

BOWHUNTER: Yes, Mr. President?

BERT: More coffee, please. This time, add some more cream. And less sugar.

BOWHUNTER: Yessir. (Walks away)

BERT: Let's see. Is that everyone? We're all good?

JOSIE: Mr. President, Jasmine is missing.

BERT: Yes. She mentioned she might be a little late. We'll just...

*Oval Office door swings open. Jasmine walks in, covered in dry blood*

MAESTRO: Holy crap.

HARRY: What the heck?

BERT: Jasmine?!?

JASMINE: Hey, Boss! Sorry I'm late! I just finished executing 12,407 criminals!!! Yeah, babyyyy!!!

BERT: How...how is that possible? It's only been one day.

JASMINE: Hey, I *TOLD* you I'd be the most efficient Secretary of Executions & Torture in history! Cheesy

BERT: I didn't realize we even had that many people on death row.

JASMINE: Death...row?

JOSIE: Ohhhh maaaannn.

BERT: You mean, you just started executing convicts all willy-nilly in our prisons?

JASMINE: Prisons?

ARCHIE: Oh, $*@%.

BERT: Okay, we've got to get ahead of the media on this. We can't have a crisis on our first day. Stu, you're my spokesman. How can we spin this?

STU GATZE: Well, Mr. President, I suggest we say that Secretary Jasmine has already taken steps to solve the problem of overpopulated prisons. A smaller prison population is sure to reduce taxpayer costs and help energize our economy. Perhaps we can even say that her actions will further drive our record-breaking stock markets...

JASMINE: Here's a stock tip: Put all your money in woodchipper companies. Ha ha ha ha ha!! Cheesy

MAESTRO: Mr. President, is it wise to keep Jasmine in your cabinet? She doesn't seem very stable.

JASMINE: I'M STABLE! I AM, I AM, I AM! Yeah. AND I'M A GENIUS, TOO. BWAHAHAHA! Cheesy

JOSIE: I didn't even know "Secretary of Executions & Torture" as an official position.

BERT: Well, I promised...



Did you really spend 80 percent of your budget on wood chippers and acid?
  

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Re: OT: If Bert were President
Reply #2 - Jan 11th, 2018 at 9:01pm
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Special Patrol Group wrote on Jan 11th, 2018 at 8:57pm:
Did you really spend 80 percent of your budget on wood chippers and acid?

And toothpicks and chili peppers.
  


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Re: OT: If Bert were President
Reply #3 - Jan 11th, 2018 at 9:07pm
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Jasmine wrote on Jan 11th, 2018 at 9:01pm:
And toothpicks and chili peppers.

Grin Grin Grin

Just leave enough money for the Christmas party and annual liberal celebrity stoning.
  

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Re: OT: If Bert were President
Reply #4 - Jan 11th, 2018 at 9:24pm
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Special Patrol Group wrote on Jan 11th, 2018 at 9:07pm:
Grin Grin Grin

Just leave enough money for the Christmas party and annual liberal celebrity stoning.

Oh, all right.  Lips Sealed
  


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Re: OT: If Bert were President
Reply #5 - Jan 11th, 2018 at 10:09pm
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Jasmine wrote on Jan 11th, 2018 at 9:24pm:
Oh, all right.  Lips Sealed


on the bright side wine is cheap as are kegs & stones hell you can find them anywhere just laying around. shouldn't be much of a budget buster 
  
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Re: OT: If Bert were President
Reply #6 - Jan 11th, 2018 at 10:13pm
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USyeah wrote on Jan 11th, 2018 at 10:09pm:
on the bright side wine is cheap as are kegs & stones hell you can find them anywhere just laying around. shouldn't be much of a budget buster 


The stones are cheap but when it comes to alcohol I only order the best.
  

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Re: OT: If Bert were President
Reply #7 - Jan 11th, 2018 at 11:23pm
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Special Patrol Group wrote on Jan 11th, 2018 at 10:13pm:
The stones are cheap but when it comes to alcohol I only order the best.



so Wild Irish Rose it is, salute   Roll Eyes

  
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Re: OT: If Bert were President
Reply #8 - Jan 11th, 2018 at 11:24pm
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USyeah wrote on Jan 11th, 2018 at 11:23pm:
so Wild Irish Rose it is, salute   Roll Eyes


I prefer Black Bush.
  

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Re: OT: If Bert were President
Reply #9 - Jan 11th, 2018 at 11:39pm
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Special Patrol Group wrote on Jan 11th, 2018 at 11:24pm:
I prefer Black Bush.


well that rules out pussy hats   Cool
  
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