BERT: Thanks for coming, guys. Yesterday's inauguration ceremonies were great, but now it's time we roll up our sleeves and get to work. Let's start with a report from our Vice President. Harry?
HARRY: Well, I know we're just a few hours into our job, but I've already started working on a list of tasks that I want to get accomplished in our first 100 days.
BERT: Excellent. Josie?
JOSIE: Mr. President, as your Chief of Staff, I am working on a list of protocols to ensure that your administration will be as smooth as possible. I should have everything finalized by the end of the week.
BERT: Very good. Archie?
ARCHIE: Mr. President, as your Secretary of Defense, I have just ordered a sweeping review of our military weaponry technology. I will do my best to improve our weapons systems for all of our Armed Forces branches.
BERT: Good job. Mr. Secretary of State?
MAESTRO: Mr. President, I am working on a travel schedule to meet with my counterparts from India and Japan. I realize we have an ambitious agenda, but I we will be able to roll everything out in a matter of weeks.
BERT: Bowhunter?
BOWHUNTER: Yes, Mr. President?
BERT: More coffee, please. This time, add some more cream. And less sugar.
BOWHUNTER: Yessir. (Walks away)
BERT: Let's see. Is that everyone? We're all good?
JOSIE: Mr. President, Jasmine is missing.
BERT: Yes. She mentioned she might be a little late. We'll just...
*Oval Office door swings open. Jasmine walks in, covered in dry blood*
MAESTRO: Holy crap.
HARRY: What the heck?
BERT: Jasmine?!?
JASMINE: Hey, Boss! Sorry I'm late! I just finished executing 12,407 criminals!!! Yeah, babyyyy!!!
BERT: How...how is that possible? It's only been one day.
JASMINE: Hey, I *TOLD* you I'd be the most efficient Secretary of Executions & Torture in history!

BERT: I didn't realize we even had that many people on death row.
JASMINE: Death...row?
JOSIE: Ohhhh maaaannn.
BERT: You mean, you just started executing convicts all willy-nilly in our prisons?
JASMINE: Prisons?
ARCHIE: Oh, $*@%.
BERT: Okay, we've got to get ahead of the media on this. We can't have a crisis on our first day. Stu, you're my spokesman. How can we spin this?
STU GATZE: Well,
Mr. President, I suggest we say that Secretary Jasmine has already taken steps to
solve the problem of overpopulated
prisons. A smaller prison population is sure
to reduce taxpayer costs and help
energize our economy. Perhaps we can even say that
her actions will further drive our record-breaking stock markets...
JASMINE: Here's a stock tip: Put all your money in woodchipper companies. Ha ha ha ha ha!!

MAESTRO: Mr. President, is it wise to keep Jasmine in your cabinet? She doesn't seem very stable.
JASMINE: I'M STABLE! I AM, I AM, I AM! Yeah. AND I'M A GENIUS, TOO. BWAHAHAHA!

JOSIE: I didn't even know "Secretary of Executions & Torture" as an official position.
BERT: Well, I promised...