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Liberty News Forum › LNF Forums Here › Political Opinion Page - The Hot Seat › OT: If Bert were President

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OT: If Bert were President (Read 544 times)

Jasmine LNF Speaker LNF Bunker Conservative Caucus Offline God Bless America! Posts: 34,478 Location: Hawaii Joined: Jul 28^th, 2008 Gender:	OT: If Bert were President Jan 11^th, 2018 at 8:33pm	Print Post
	BERT: Thanks for coming, guys. Yesterday's inauguration ceremonies were great, but now it's time we roll up our sleeves and get to work. Let's start with a report from our Vice President. Harry? HARRY: Well, I know we're just a few hours into our job, but I've already started working on a list of tasks that I want to get accomplished in our first 100 days. BERT: Excellent. Josie? JOSIE: Mr. President, as your Chief of Staff, I am working on a list of protocols to ensure that your administration will be as smooth as possible. I should have everything finalized by the end of the week. BERT: Very good. Archie? ARCHIE: Mr. President, as your Secretary of Defense, I have just ordered a sweeping review of our military weaponry technology. I will do my best to improve our weapons systems for all of our Armed Forces branches. BERT: Good job. Mr. Secretary of State? MAESTRO: Mr. President, I am working on a travel schedule to meet with my counterparts from India and Japan. I realize we have an ambitious agenda, but I we will be able to roll everything out in a matter of weeks. BERT: Bowhunter? BOWHUNTER: Yes, Mr. President? BERT: More coffee, please. This time, add some more cream. And less sugar. BOWHUNTER: Yessir. (Walks away) BERT: Let's see. Is that everyone? We're all good? JOSIE: Mr. President, Jasmine is missing. BERT: Yes. She mentioned she might be a little late. We'll just... Oval Office door swings open. Jasmine walks in, covered in dry blood MAESTRO: Holy crap. HARRY: What the heck? BERT: Jasmine?!? JASMINE: Hey, Boss! Sorry I'm late! I just finished executing 12,407 criminals!!! Yeah, babyyyy!!! BERT: How...how is that possible? It's only been one day. JASMINE: Hey, I TOLD you I'd be the most efficient Secretary of Executions & Torture in history! BERT: I didn't realize we even had that many people on death row. JASMINE: Death...row? JOSIE: Ohhhh maaaannn. BERT: You mean, you just started executing convicts all willy-nilly in our prisons? JASMINE: Prisons? ARCHIE: Oh, $*@%. BERT: Okay, we've got to get ahead of the media on this. We can't have a crisis on our first day. Stu, you're my spokesman. How can we spin this? STU GATZE: Well, Mr. President, I suggest we say that Secretary Jasmine has already taken steps to solve the problem of overpopulated prisons. A smaller prison population is sure to reduce taxpayer costs and help energize our economy. Perhaps we can even say that her actions will further drive our record-breaking stock markets... JASMINE: Here's a stock tip: Put all your money in woodchipper companies. Ha ha ha ha ha!! MAESTRO: Mr. President, is it wise to keep Jasmine in your cabinet? She doesn't seem very stable. JASMINE: I'M STABLE! I AM, I AM, I AM! Yeah. AND I'M A GENIUS, TOO. BWAHAHAHA! JOSIE: I didn't even know "Secretary of Executions & Torture" as an official position. BERT: Well, I promised...

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McChurch Hardhat LNF Bunker Offline Erik stole my lunch money Posts: 139,465 Location: Knepper On The Green Joined: Oct 1^st, 2005	Re: OT: If Bert were President Reply #1 - Jan 11^th, 2018 at 8:57pm	Print Post
	Jasmine wrote on Jan 11^th, 2018 at 8:33pm: BERT: Thanks for coming, guys. Yesterday's inauguration ceremonies were great, but now it's time we roll up our sleeves and get to work. Let's start with a report from our Vice President. Harry? HARRY: Well, I know we're just a few hours into our job, but I've already started working on a list of tasks that I want to get accomplished in our first 100 days. BERT: Excellent. Josie? JOSIE: Mr. President, as your Chief of Staff, I am working on a list of protocols to ensure that your administration will be as smooth as possible. I should have everything finalized by the end of the week. BERT: Very good. Archie? ARCHIE: Mr. President, as your Secretary of Defense, I have just ordered a sweeping review of our military weaponry technology. I will do my best to improve our weapons systems for all of our Armed Forces branches. BERT: Good job. Mr. Secretary of State? MAESTRO: Mr. President, I am working on a travel schedule to meet with my counterparts from India and Japan. I realize we have an ambitious agenda, but I we will be able to roll everything out in a matter of weeks. BERT: Bowhunter? BOWHUNTER: Yes, Mr. President? BERT: More coffee, please. This time, add some more cream. And less sugar. BOWHUNTER: Yessir. (Walks away) BERT: Let's see. Is that everyone? We're all good? JOSIE: Mr. President, Jasmine is missing. BERT: Yes. She mentioned she might be a little late. We'll just... Oval Office door swings open. Jasmine walks in, covered in dry blood MAESTRO: Holy crap. HARRY: What the heck? BERT: Jasmine?!? JASMINE: Hey, Boss! Sorry I'm late! I just finished executing 12,407 criminals!!! Yeah, babyyyy!!! BERT: How...how is that possible? It's only been one day. JASMINE: Hey, I TOLD you I'd be the most efficient Secretary of Executions & Torture in history! BERT: I didn't realize we even had that many people on death row. JASMINE: Death...row? JOSIE: Ohhhh maaaannn. BERT: You mean, you just started executing convicts all willy-nilly in our prisons? JASMINE: Prisons? ARCHIE: Oh, $*@%. BERT: Okay, we've got to get ahead of the media on this. We can't have a crisis on our first day. Stu, you're my spokesman. How can we spin this? STU GATZE: Well, Mr. President, I suggest we say that Secretary Jasmine has already taken steps to solve the problem of overpopulated prisons. A smaller prison population is sure to reduce taxpayer costs and help energize our economy. Perhaps we can even say that her actions will further drive our record-breaking stock markets... JASMINE: Here's a stock tip: Put all your money in woodchipper companies. Ha ha ha ha ha!! MAESTRO: Mr. President, is it wise to keep Jasmine in your cabinet? She doesn't seem very stable. JASMINE: I'M STABLE! I AM, I AM, I AM! Yeah. AND I'M A GENIUS, TOO. BWAHAHAHA! JOSIE: I didn't even know "Secretary of Executions & Torture" as an official position. BERT: Well, I promised... Did you really spend 80 percent of your budget on wood chippers and acid?


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Jasmine LNF Speaker LNF Bunker Conservative Caucus Offline God Bless America! Posts: 34,478 Location: Hawaii Joined: Jul 28^th, 2008 Gender:	Re: OT: If Bert were President Reply #2 - Jan 11^th, 2018 at 9:01pm	Print Post
	McChurch wrote on Jan 11^th, 2018 at 8:57pm: Did you really spend 80 percent of your budget on wood chippers and acid? And toothpicks and chili peppers.

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McChurch Hardhat LNF Bunker Offline Erik stole my lunch money Posts: 139,465 Location: Knepper On The Green Joined: Oct 1^st, 2005	Re: OT: If Bert were President Reply #3 - Jan 11^th, 2018 at 9:07pm	Print Post
	Jasmine wrote on Jan 11^th, 2018 at 9:01pm: And toothpicks and chili peppers. Just leave enough money for the Christmas party and annual liberal celebrity stoning.


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Jasmine LNF Speaker LNF Bunker Conservative Caucus Offline God Bless America! Posts: 34,478 Location: Hawaii Joined: Jul 28^th, 2008 Gender:	Re: OT: If Bert were President Reply #4 - Jan 11^th, 2018 at 9:24pm	Print Post
	McChurch wrote on Jan 11^th, 2018 at 9:07pm: Just leave enough money for the Christmas party and annual liberal celebrity stoning. Oh, all right.

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USyeah LNF House Leader Offline I Love Liberty News Forum! Posts: 7,945 Joined: Jul 12^th, 2016 Gender:	Re: OT: If Bert were President Reply #5 - Jan 11^th, 2018 at 10:09pm	Print Post
	Jasmine wrote on Jan 11^th, 2018 at 9:24pm: Oh, all right. on the bright side wine is cheap as are kegs & stones hell you can find them anywhere just laying around. shouldn't be much of a budget buster


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McChurch Hardhat LNF Bunker Offline Erik stole my lunch money Posts: 139,465 Location: Knepper On The Green Joined: Oct 1^st, 2005	Re: OT: If Bert were President Reply #6 - Jan 11^th, 2018 at 10:13pm	Print Post
	USyeah wrote on Jan 11^th, 2018 at 10:09pm: on the bright side wine is cheap as are kegs & stones hell you can find them anywhere just laying around. shouldn't be much of a budget buster The stones are cheap but when it comes to alcohol I only order the best.


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USyeah LNF House Leader Offline I Love Liberty News Forum! Posts: 7,945 Joined: Jul 12^th, 2016 Gender:	Re: OT: If Bert were President Reply #7 - Jan 11^th, 2018 at 11:23pm	Print Post
	McChurch wrote on Jan 11^th, 2018 at 10:13pm: The stones are cheap but when it comes to alcohol I only order the best. so Wild Irish Rose it is, salute


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McChurch Hardhat LNF Bunker Offline Erik stole my lunch money Posts: 139,465 Location: Knepper On The Green Joined: Oct 1^st, 2005	Re: OT: If Bert were President Reply #8 - Jan 11^th, 2018 at 11:24pm	Print Post
	USyeah wrote on Jan 11^th, 2018 at 11:23pm: so Wild Irish Rose it is, salute I prefer Black Bush.


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USyeah LNF House Leader Offline I Love Liberty News Forum! Posts: 7,945 Joined: Jul 12^th, 2016 Gender:	Re: OT: If Bert were President Reply #9 - Jan 11^th, 2018 at 11:39pm	Print Post
	McChurch wrote on Jan 11^th, 2018 at 11:24pm: I prefer Black Bush. well that rules out pussy hats


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