Fighting the Good Fight

July 16th, 2007

I saw a very sad sight this morning as I walked from my boyfriend’s office downtown. There was a body on the ground - a woman, from what I could tell - and the body was covered with a yellow tarp. The scene of the suicide was sectioned off with police tape. It was quite the surreal sight, with a crowd of people milling around, staring at the lifeless body on the ground.

From what I understand, the lady jumped to her death. I looked at the body, and then I kept looking upward, at the 10-story parking lot structure that she jumped from.

What a sad waste.

I wonder, What could make someone do such a thing? Was it poor health? A relationship gone bad? A financial situation? In this lady’s case, I’ll never really know because our media doesn’t report on suicides. And rightfully so.

I’ll never understand what would make someone take his or her own life. No matter who you are or what situation you’re in, there is always reason to press on and keep fighting the good fight. Quitting is not the answer.

Inevitably, seeing scenes like this morning’s makes you take stock in your own life. In my case, I realize I have been blessed abundantly by God. I have so much to be thankful for. Yet, of course, there are obstacles and times of adversity that I must face. My life hasn’t followed the script that I imagined for myself when I was 15 or 16. But that just makes me realize that I am not in control - *GOD* is in control.

But even if my life were horrible, there would always be positives to consider. Instead of getting down on yourself and on life, we should always count our blessings. And if you think that you don’t have many things to be grateful for, well, you need to count again.

Taking your own life is never the answer. You have too many things to live for. There is too much work in our earthly lives that remains to be done. That’s why we must continue to press on, and continue to fight the good fight.

The Lady is a Tramp

December 15th, 2006

*Stage lights shine brightly as the TV announcer says: “Welcome again, ladies and gentlemen, to another exciting edition of America’s hottest talk show: ‘All that Jaz!’ Now here’s your host, the Queen of Mean…the Damsel of Destruction…the Ayatollah of Rock-n-Rollah…JASMINE!!!” The studio audience erupts with applause*

JASMINE: *Walking onstage* Thank you, thank you! Please, you’re too kind…!

(Crowd chants “JASMINE! JASMINE! JASMINE!”)

JASMINE: Settle down now, people! Smiley We have quite a show for you today. As you know, our show appears in more than 200 stations all across the country, and we’re in Canada as well! But I think it’s safe to say that even our program doesn’t “get around” as much as tonight’s special guest! Ladies and gentlemen, let’s bring her out without further ado. She’s the stripper who has accused the Duke lacrosse team of rape. Let’s welcome Crystal!!!

(Crystal walks onto the stage. Crowd chants, “SLUT! SLUT! SLUT!”)

JASMINE: Welcome to my show, Crystal! Have a seat.

CRYSTAL: Nice to be here.

JASMINE: I guess my first question to you, Crystal, would be: How’d you grow up to be such a complete slut?

(Audience roars with laughter)

CRYSTAL: Why am I slut? Because I’m an exotic dancer? That’s not fair…

JASMINE: Dude, a lab report found DNA “from multiple males in the accusers body” - and none belonged to the accused lacrosse players! I mean, you’re like a door knob: Everyone gets a turn.

(More audience laughter.)

CRYSTAL: Look, I…

JASMINE: You’re like railroad tracks: You’ve been laid all across the country!

CRYSTAL: Listen here…

JASMINE: What did your right leg say to your left leg? Nothing. They’ve never met!

(Audience roars even louder)

CRYSTAL: I didn’t come here to be insulted! I came here to educate you. Just because I’m a stripper doesn’t mean I’m a tramp. If you ever kept an open mind, you’d understand that.

JASMINE: And if *YOU* ever kept your legs *CLOSED*, you wouldn’t be in this mess to begin with.

(Audience: “SLUT!!! SLUT!!! SLUT!!! SLUT!!!”)

JASMINE: Okay, okay. I’ll stop now. So tell me, Crystal, why did you falsely accuse all those Duke lacross players of rape?

CRYSTAL: …

JASMINE: Well?

CRYSTAL: …

JASMINE: Hellooo? You’re phasing out on me, Crystal. What’s your last name? Meth?

CRYSTAL: My attorney has advised me not to comment on the case at this time.

JASMINE: Why not? The D.A.’s entire case is falling apart. You have nothing more to loose…uhhh, I mean “lose.”

CRYSTAL: I’ve got plenty to lose. I’ve got children to take care of. See, you don’t understand. I’m not a slut. I’m not. I’m just like any other woman who wants to take care of her children. So don’t you ever call me a slut again, because I’m NOT!

JASMINE: How many children do you have?

CRYSTAL: Ummm…17.

(Audience: “WHORE! WHORE! WHORE!…”)

JASMINE: Hey, now, let’s give this tart a break, people! Let’s give her some credit here. Wow, 17 is a lot of kids. You seem dedicated to raising them. So maybe you’re not such a slut after all…

CRYSTAL: Thank you.

JASMINE: So what are their names?

CRYSTAL: “Jamal.”

JASMINE: Jamal?

CRYSTAL: Yeah. I’ve always liked that name, and it gets confusing trying to remember the names of all my kids. So I decided to name each and every one of them “Jamal.”

JASMINE: But what if they’re all playing together in the same room, and you want to call only one of them?

CRYSTAL: Oh, then I’ll call them by their last names.

JASMINE: …

(Audience screams, “SLUT!!! SLUT!!! SLUT!!!”)

JASMINE: That’s all the time we have for today, folks! Tune in next time for another edition of “All that Jaz!”

Three Simple Words

December 12th, 2006

One short sentence.

Three simple words.

Three stinkin’ syllables.

“I…was…wrong.”

You would think that such a phrase wouldn’t be so hard to put together. “I was wrong.” But for some people, sad to say, having their teeth shattered by a swinging mallet would be preferable to making such an admission. And sorry, leftist-libbie losers, I’m not referring to your favorite whipping boy, President Bush.

The following story is true. It really happened. And it’s a telling piece of evidence that proves that leftist-libbie morons are the biggest hypocrites there are.

Today I was perusing my favorite political forum, when I came across this statement about Iran and its sand monkey president, Abalaasdflkjadlkdaksafadstadjf:

“To clarify. Iran or its President, does not say that the Holocaust did not happen.”

Let me repeat that, just for emphasis. Let it sink in:

“To clarify. Iran or its President, does not say that the Holocaust did not happen.”

Obviously, that statement is ludicrous, right? Anyone with a functioning brain and who’s been keeping up with the news can see how stupid that statement is. Me being the helpful person that I am, provided my usual gentle correction. I replied:

[b]”Jew-Haters are so repugnant.

From Cnn.com:

TEHRAN, Iran (CNN) — Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has described the Holocaust as “a myth” and suggested that Israel be moved to Europe, the United States, Canada or Alaska.

The United States, Israel and the European Commission — along with individual European countries — have condemned the remark.

Ahmadinejad sparked widespread international condemnation in October when he called for Israel to be “wiped off the map.”

Last week, he also expressed doubt about the killing by the Nazis of six million Jews during World War II, but Wednesday was the first occasion when he said in public that the Holocaust was a myth.

“They have invented a myth that Jews were massacred and place this above God, religions and the prophets,” Ahmadinejad said in a speech to thousands of people in the Iranian city of Zahedan, according to a report on Wednesday from Islamic Republic of Iran Broadcasting.

“The West has given more significance to the myth of the genocide of the Jews, even more significant than God, religion, and the prophets,” he said. “(It) deals very severely with those who deny this myth but does not do anything to those who deny God, religion, and the prophet.” [/b]

And then, for emphasis, I added more quotes from the wacky Iraqi, showing that this Islamic freak, indeed, denies that the Holocaust had occurred. (I am soooo helpful!)

So does this person respond by thanking me for correcting her? (Yes, it’s a “she.” I won’t give her name, but supposedly she’s a lady and a lawyer. I like to call her a different, more appropriate name. It’s a name that fits her so well.) Noooo! She doesn’t thank me at all!

Actually, her first response was no response at all. She sort of tucked her pointy tail and went into denial/hiding.

But then, she was forced to respond. (I’m really good that way.) And guess what her response was?

[b]”The President of Iran speacks for himself. I don’t speak for him.”[/b]

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?!

Folks, I’m not making this up. First, she says:

[b]”To clarify. Iran or its President, does not say that the Holocaust did not happen.”[/b]

AND THEN she says:

[b]”The President of Iran speacks for himself. I don’t speak for him.”[/b]

First she tries to speak for him (read: defend him), and then she says that the Iranian fruitcake speaks for himself. Wow.

Boys and girls who may be thinking about joining a political opinion forum and sharing your views, here’s a hint: If you want to be a credible contributor, you need to have the intellectual honesty and personal integrity to stand up and admit being wrong. Don’t try to skirt the issue. Don’t try to run and hide.

And that’s the real irony here. Here you have someone who hates President Bush and takes delight in trying to prove him wrong about some of today’s most important issues - YET doesn’t have even a speck of integrity to admit being wrong to a simple, simple fact! Hello, hypocrisy!

The lesson for today? If you can’t take the heat (and trust me, this person in question would be a big fan of “turning up the heat,” if you know what I mean), stay out of the kitchen. If you make a statement, back it up. And if you’re proven wrong, have the fortitude and integrity to admit as such.

One short sentence.

Three simple words.

Three stinkin’ syllables.

I guess none of that matters if you’ve got one giant ego.

Things I Just Need to Say…

June 15th, 2006

Excuse me, I just have to get this off my not-very-ample chest:

TO SHAQUILLE O’NEAL: Way to knock down those free throws, Shaq Daddy! I’m rooting for ya!

TO SCRIPTWRITERS FOR “X-MEN 3″: Wow. Hey, if you ever do an “X-Men 4,” maybe you can kill off Cyclops again…this time before the opening credits are done.

TO BEN ROTHSENSHISHENBERGHER: Dude, you wear a helmet on the football field, yet you *DON’T* wear a helmet when you’re riding a motorcycle on the hazardous streets? Are you nuts? (Hope you get better soon!)

TO VINCE MCMAHON: Your version of ECW sucks. Just give it up. You’re just making things worse for your company.

TO ALL LIBERTY NEWS FORUM READERS: *Waves!*

TO FOX NEWS ANCHOR SHEPERD SMITH: I saw you on You Tube! Ha! What were you thinking?!

TO ANGELINA JOLIE: What a skanky slut you are.

TO BRAD PITT: You’re a piece of…a piece of…a piece of… Hey, you’re lucky I can’t think of a word that rhymes with “Pitt.”

TO ZARQAWI: Oh, sorry. You’re dead.

Flash vs Substance

June 15th, 2006

At lunchtime today I was walking along Bishop Street, which is a main street in downtown Honolulu’s business district. As I neared the crosswalk, I heard a voice call out to me. It was something like *arrogant husky voice* “Hey, babe, you need a ride?” I looked over, and it was some guy with a goofy grin in his car stopped at the light. He was in a black sports car that looked like a Ferrari or something (sorry, I don’t know much about cars). Anyways, this guy revved his engine a couple of times and yelled some more things to me. By then, I was already crossing the street.

That guy had this look on his face, as if he was so hot just because he had this fancy car. As if that was supposed to impress me.

If I was the confrontational type (what?), I would have turned to the idiot and said, “Yeah, your car is nice on the outside. But the thing sitting on the inside is a piece of crap.” Something like that. But I’m not the confrontational type. (Plus, I didn’t think of saying that until I was already in the elevator of the building I was going to.)

The analogy is pretty fitting: Looks good on the outside, but what’s inside is ugly and sad.

No, I’m not bashing men. I know that women can be this way, too, whether it’s with clothes or jewelry or makeup. (Actually, this can also apply to people who are very attractive physically, but morally shallow spiritually.)

Instead, what I’m really referring to is today’s politician.

Think about it. A politician is someone who dresses in a nice suit every day and flashes a smile for the cameras. He talks a good game. He shakes everyone’s hands, kisses babies and generally puts on a good outward show.

But inside? There’s usually not much there. It’s a lot of flash, but very little substance. What do today’s elected leaders actually accomplish?

Want to impress me? Show me a politician today who walks the walk. Name a public servant who rolls up his sleeves every day and actually gets things done.

I think President Bush comes close. I think he genuinely tries to do what he says he’ll do. We can go back and forth about whether the Democrats in Congress have held him back. I can see it both ways. But in a sense, his honesty has been overlooked even by his supporters - including me. Early on in his initial presidential campaign, Mr. Bush presented himself as a “compassionate conservative.” Right away, I probably should have had red flags go up. But I ignored the warnings and instead hoped him to be the ultra-conservative I wanted him to be.

He is very much a conservative in some ways. In other ways - too many ways, I think - he is not.

But I don’t think anyone can accuse President Bush of being all flash, no substance. He’s not the flashy type to begin with. I regard him as a man of true substance, of honest convictions, even if I don’t always agree with him. Outwardly, he’s not Mr. Ferrari. He stumbles over words and pokes fun at himself. He’s not slick or smooth. But on the inside, I think he’s as genuine as a person can get.

Are there other politicians who fit the bill? I’m sure there are. But you may have to look long and hard for them. The trouble is, people *LIKE* flash. You might even say they’re blinded by flash.

Me? Give me substance every time.

Tossing The Junk Out

May 25th, 2006

Our church had a rummage sale last Saturday. It was a great opportunity for me to go through all my stuff and see what I don’t need anymore. I wound up donating boxes of stuff: clothes, shoes, books, toys, dolls, CDs, videos, etc.

I also helped out at the sale. Some parts were busy, and at other times it was slow. During the slow periods, I started reflecting on how much junk we have in our lives, and how much lighter our loads would be if we tossed them away.

I’m not talking about the material stuff. Rather, I’m referring to the emotional baggage we often carry in our lives - things that hold us back from really living up to our potential.

Politically speaking, I think America has some excess baggage that we can do without. Seriously. Just imagine how much better our nation would be - and it’s already the best in the world - if we tossed away the following “junk”:

WHITE MAN’S GUILT. Yes, we took land from the Indians. Yes, we had slavery. And yes, we put our own citizens in internment camps. But that was a long time ago. It’s long past time that we moved forward, not keep looking in the rear-view mirror (I thought leftist-libbies were supposed to be “progressives”?). These days, it seems the left wants to saddle Americans with a perpetual guilt complex. You could put a terrorist-sympathizing, elderly-swindling, child-molesting mass murderer on death row; if he happens to be black, there will always be some leftist nut demanding he be spared because he was “the product of white man’s hatred.” It’s stupid, it’s wrong and it defies common sense. Guilt for yesterday’s wrongs? Sorry, I don’t buy it.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS. I think it’s pretty obvious that the P.C. movement is the result of a weaker, more spineless America. The “White Man’s Guilt” has played a role this, no doubt. My response to the P.C. people is, “Grow a spine!” No one has a right to never be offended. All that matters is the truth, and the truth is that God is a He, not a She. The truth is that Michael Moore is fat, not “big-boned.” The truth is that achievement is worth celebrating, not buried among the mediocre. And once and for all, Tattoo wasn’t “vertically challenged”; he was a waddling midget.

INFERIORITY COMPLEX. Again, I strongly suspect this is tied to “White Man’s Guilt” and even “Political Correctness.” Too many Americans today want to bring us down to the level of the rest of the world community. The lame thinking is, “We’re no better than any other country.” Dare them to say that America is the greatest country in the world, and they’ll probably choke to death. Worse, these people actually *WANT* the U.S. to grow weaker. It’s all part of the socialist-commie agenda.

WORLD’S POLICEMAN. Now here’s where I often separate myself from many of my fellow conservatives who believe that the U.S. should be a global champion of justice and democracy. I firmly believe that each nation is a sovereign entity, and its laws and customs should be tolerated, if not respected. If Liberia wants to kill its citzens, that’s up to them. It’s not our business. No question, we have our own problems to deal with. Our military servicemen sign up to protect *OUR* national security, not the security of some lame country half the world away. America would be much better off if we focused on fixing our own problems.

Unfortunately, I’m not very hopeful that America will get rid of these things. These aren’t things that we can just put in a box and sell for 25 cents at a rummage sale.

It’s really too bad, because as great as this country is, it can be so much better.

Stick to Your Guns

April 10th, 2006

Once upon a time, there was a young girl who was really shy and insecure - all she wanted to do was fit in. She would do amost anything to be accepted among her peers, even if it meant agreeing with them just for agreement’s sake. As a sophomore in high school, things finally began to click for this girl, and she soaked up her newfound popularity like a sponge. Sadly, being popular and being with the “in” crowd became so important to her, and she lost more and more of her individuality. In time, she paid a hard price for her mistakes, and…

Yeah, okay, you guessed it. That girl was me.

Kind of ironic, huh? Especially since today I’m known for my close-mindedness and stubborness. If I feel I’m right on an issue, I won’t budge. I won’t compromise. I don’t care if everybody else changes their opinion.

You think my contention that we need to wipe out the Palestinians in Israel is too radical? Too bad.

You groan every time I say we should shoot illegal aliens crossing into our borders? Tough.

You can’t believe I’d really condone the execution of every single drug dealer? Oh well.

One thing that I’ve learned in life is that the majority isn’t always right. The common way of thinking - the humanist way - is often, in fact, wrong. One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned from God is that the whole world can be against you, but if you’ve got truth on your side, you have to stick to your guns - no matter how unpopular you or your views may be.

For this reason, I think it’s disgusting how politicians act these days. Yes, John Kerry is the extreme example - “I voted for it before I voted against it” - but most politicians are like him more than they’ll want to admit. They jump back and forth on issues, depending on the latest opinion polls or news headlines.

Yes, being popular and accepted was once of the highest importance to me. The difference is, I grew out of it.

Politicians need to grow a spine. They are our elected leaders, which means they should actually *LEAD*, not base everything on public opinion. If polls were all that mattered, we may as well elect monkeys to serve us in government. Then we can run everything via polls, and have them vote accordingly.

In high school, I lost a longtime friend because it was more important for me to be popular than to support him in his time of need. Even though every fiber of my being was screaming at me to do the right thing, I caved in and did nothing. That’s something I’ll have to live with for the rest of my life.

My advice? If you know you’re right, stick to your guns. Don’t let the popular opinion sway you or make you doubt yourself.

Cow Dung

February 7th, 2006

I want you to imagine that you’re walking in a meadow, and you come across a big pile of cow dung. (I know, I know…it’s a gross thing to imagine, but work with me here.) It smells really bad and the very sight of it makes you want to vomit. You wish this cow dung wasn’t there, but it is. Standing near it, you become ill and nauseous; your stomach is turning, and you want to just get away, far away from it as you can.

Sounds familiar? That’s right: Cow dung is equal to liberalism.

So my question to you is, how far away from the cow dung do you want to be? Personally, I’d want to be as far away from it as I can. I’m not going to just walk a few steps away from it, especially if you have a nose as big as Barbra Streisand’s. In America, there are smelly pieces of cow dung that take the human form of Michael Moore, Cindy Sheehan, Howie Dean, Al Gore, John Kerry, Jesse Jackson and others.

I consider myself to be the anti-Moore, the anti-Sheehan, etc. Like I keep saying, I am the most extreme, far-right, hardcore, right-wing Christian fundamentalist I know - and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Moderates? I think they’re weak. The very idea of “being in the center” is ridiculous. If the “center” was such a good thing - if every politician was a moderate - why even bother holding an election? Everyone would be the same.

No, I say pick a side and roll up your sleeves. Get ready to fight. If you’re going to believe in something, believe in it all the way. Jesus said that He will spit the lukewarm out of His mouth, and I can’t say I blame Him.

In this age of political correctness (and is there anything more weak than PC?), too many people are afraid to take a stand. So many of us have been raised with the idea that morality is relative, that what’s right for us might not be right for others. Is this you? If so, I feel sorry for you. You don’t have what it takes to take a strong stand.

I know what you’re saying: “So, does this mean you respect leftist-libbies, Jaz? After all, they’re taking a stand. They’re not ‘halfway’ or wishy-washy like the moderates…”

Umm, have you been paying attention? I just said they are cow dung. I don’t respect cow dung.

Cow dung needs to be deposited in the trash. Where they belong.

R.I.P. Eddie Guerrero

November 14th, 2005

Tonight I’m going to do something I rarely ever do. I’m going to watch “WWE Raw.”

I’m going to watch because I know the show will be a tribute to Eddie Guerrero, who died yesterday at the age of 39. Eddie was not only one of the world’s best wrestlers and performers, he was one of my *FAVORITE* wrestlers and performers of all time. In my view, he was one of those rare wrestlers who combined in-ring skills, charisma, mic work and sheer love for the profession. He came from a family of wrestlers, including his father (Gory), brothers (Chavo and Hector) and nephew (Chavo Jr.).

I’m going to watch because the show will be, at least for me, a way to deal with this loss. It’ll be my way to pay respect to this man who gave wrestling fans like myself so many memories that we’ll always cherish.

Like the time Eddie challenged Rey Misterio Jr. in Halloween Havoc’s famed “mask vs title” cruiserweight match.

Or like the time Eddie formed the short-lived (but entertaining) Latino World Order (LWO).

Or the time when he feuded with Chavo Jr., who acted nuts by “riding” a stick horse around the ring.

Or when Eddie won the world championship by beating the monster Brock Lesner.

Or that unforgettable moment when he and his good friend Chris Benoit celebrated in the middle of the ring at the end of WrestleMania XX.

I think wrestling fans are like a family. We’re bonded together by our love for one of the world’s greatest forms of entertainment. Yes, we know that wrestling is “scripted.” But we are able to appreciate the spectacle because pro wrestling combines athletics, drama, theater, stuntwork, music and more - all in one fast-paced package.

In other words, wrestling fans “get it.”

And tonight, I want to be there with my wrestling family. I want to chant “Eddie! Eddie!” and I want to cry my eyes out when I see his friends and colleagues do the same.

Trust me, this time, the tears shed tonight will be anything but scripted.

God bless you, Eddie. I already miss you so much.

My Interview with Cindy Sheehan

October 27th, 2005

*Stage lights shine brightly as the TV announcer says: “Welcome again, ladies and gentlemen, to another edition of America’s hottest talk show: ‘All that Jaz!’ Now here’s your host, the Queen of Mean…the Damsel of Destruction…the Ayatollah of Rock-n-Rollah…JASMINE!!!” And the studio audience erupts with applause*

 
JASMINE: *Walking onstage* Thank you, thank you. Please, you’re too kind…!
 
(Crowd chants “JASMINE! JASMINE! JASMINE!”)
 
JASMINE: Calm down, folks, we’re just getting started! We have a very special guest for this week’s show. You’ve seen her in the news, I’m sure, and it’s going to be interesting to hear what she has to say. Without further ado, please welcome my guest: Cindy Sheehan!
 
(Cindy Sheehan walks onstage to join Jasmine. Crowd: “BOOOOOOOOOOO! BOOOOOOOOOO!”)
 
JASMINE: C’mon, people! Be kind. Welcome to my show, Cindy.
 
CINDY SHEEHAN: Thank you. I have to admit, I’m a little apprehensive. You have a reputation for not being nice to your liberal guests.
 
JASMINE: Don’t worry, Cindy. I will be completely fair and objective with you.
 
CINDY SHEEHAN: I’d appreciate that.
 
JASMINE: So I guess my first question for you would be: Have you always been a complete idiot, or was it something you had to work on…?
 
(Crowd bursts into laughter. “JASMINE! JASMINE! JASMINE!”)
 
CINDY SHEEHAN: Now see here…!
 
JASMINE: Okay, okay. That was rude of me. I should be nice to you, especially considering your condition.
 
CINDY SHEEHAN: What condition?
 
JASMINE: Well, uh…well, my sources have told me that you’ve been having…uh, *whispers* “women problems.”
 
CINDY SHEEHAN: What?! What “women problems”?
 
JASMINE: Your problem is you’re starting not to look like one.
 
(More audience laughter. “JASMINE! JASMINE! JASMINE!”)
 
CINDY SHEEHAN: Look, •••••! Don’t give me your •••••! It’s people like you keep plunging our country into war after war, killing our soldiers! You and President Bush! And it’s people like *ME* who are left to fight the cause in memory of our war dead! I’ll never forgive President Bush for what he did! He killed my son! HE KILLED MY SON!!! Every night when I go to bed, I say a prayer for my…uhhh…for my…my…ummm….for what’s-his-name…
 
JASMINE: You mean your son, Casey?
 
CINDY SHEEHAN: Yeah! Casey! He was my precious son, and President Bush killed him!
 
JASMINE: Okay, hold it right there. It’s time for JASMINE’S GLOVE OF TRUTH!
 
(Crowd chants: “GLOVE OF TRUTH! GLOVE OF TRUTH! GLOVE OF TRUTH!”)
 
CINDY SHEEHAN: Uhhh, what’s that?
 
JASMINE: Well, I’m going to put on a special glove, and every time you tell a lie or exaggeration, I punch you in the face with it. It used to be called the “Kendo Stick of Justice,” but the stick broke after I belted Jesse Jackson for the 86th time.
 
(Crowd: “JESSE GOT WHACKED! JESSE GOT WHACKED!”)
 
JASMINE: Ladies and gentlemen, never say that I don’t keep my show “cutting edge.” We have a new innovation to the “Glove of Truth!”
 
(Jasmine proceeds to lather her coal miner’s glove with glue and dip it into a pot of broken glass)
 
CINDY SHEEHAN: You…you can’t possibly think I’m going to let you…
 
(*KA-POWWWW!!!* The first punch sends Sheehan reeling to the floor)
 
JASMINE: See what happens when you speak the untruth?  
 
CINDY SHEEHAN: (Battered and bloodied) THAT’S IT! I’M LEAVING! Look, all I wanted to do was come here to honor the memory of my dead son…ummm…uhh…Clancy…
 
JASMINE: Casey.
 
CINDY SHEEHAN: That’s right! CASEY!!! I came here to honor Casey!!! But I will not be abused by the likes of you!! I’ll show you! I’m going to chain myself to the White House gates! What do you think of that?!
 
(Crowd: “KNOCK HER OUT! KNOCK HER OUT! KNOCK HER OUT!”)
 
JASMINE: Hush, people! We are not here to destroy anyone. We’re here to help. In fact, as part of the settlement in my acquittal in the Ward Churchill assault case, the judge told me I had to serve community service. So I’ve decided to do my community service by helping the mentally retarded.
 
CINDY SHEEHAN: …
 
JASMINE: That would be you.
 
(Crowd: “SHORT BUS CINDY! SHORT BUS CINDY!”)
 
JASMINE: So, Cindy, relax. I’ve pulled some strings and have found a way to make your goal come true! You wanted a face-to-face meeting with President Bush? Well, HERE HE IS!!!
 
(”Hail to the Chief” begins to play. President Bush walks onstage.)
 
CINDY SHEEHAN: *Flabbergasted* Uhhh, wow. I mean, whoa. Ummmm….uhhh…errrrr…
 
PRESIDENT BUSH: *Hugging Jasmine* Hi Jasmine. Say, is this your dad?
 
JASMINE: No, sir. This is Cindy Sheehan.
 
PRESIDENT BUSH: Oh. Hello, Cindy.
 
CINDY SHEEHAN: Uuuuhhhhh…ummmmm…wow….ooooohhh…
 
JASMINE: What’s wrong, Cindy? You wanted to meet him. Here’s your chance.
 
CINDY SHEEHAN: I think I just wet my pants…
 
(Crowd: HAHAHAHAAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!)

Talking the Talk

September 23rd, 2005

This might come as a surprise to some of you, but in “real life” I’m really a shy person. At parties, I’m more likely to sit in a corner somewhere and smile and nod, rather than be the life of the party.

Last night, however, was different. Scott and I went to this reception near his office. It was actually one of those “networking” events for young business executives, and just about everybody there was in their mid-20s to mid-30s. I was only there, of course, because Scott was invited.

Like I said, I’m usually pretty quiet at these kinds of events. But last night, I found myself conversing with these complete strangers - and lo and behold, they seemed really interested in me and what I had to say! At one point during a conversation, I actually thought to myself, “Wow, I’m carrying on a conversation with these people!”

That felt pretty good, to tell you the truth.

Why was I more open and outgoing last night? I think it’s because everyone there was around my age, and I could relate to everybody. A lot of other dinners or receptions I attend, most people I encounter are older and more “established,” so to speak. I think I get intimidated by them. After all, I’m just a lowly sales girl amongst company presidents, chairmans of the board, CEO’s, etc. Relate to them? Ha!

Sometimes I wonder whether my “conversations” here at the LNF have helped me to become more outgoing. That’s certainly a possibility.

Usually, I dread going to these things. But after last night, I’m kind of looking forward to the next business-type party or reception; I wonder if I can continue to take part in conversations without sounding stupid.

One step forward! :)

The Mail Bag

September 14th, 2005

Like every other award-winning blog site, the Jasmine Blog receives its share of fan mail. Unlike other celebrity bloggers, however, I do not consider myself too busy to respond to the little people. So let’s take a look at what’s in our mail bag today, shall we?

••••••••••••••••••••

DEAR JASMINE: I’ve been following your blog for years. You do a great job! I have a question for you: Do you think Osama Bin Laden is dead or alive? — Jaz’ed in Jacksonville

Dear Jaz’ed: First of all, thanks for the compliments! Well, I know for a fact that Bin Laden has kicked the bucket. The truth is, I’ve been keeping him locked up in our tool shed outside for the last couple of years. He made a pretty good pet, until I went to Las Vegas for a few days and I forgot to leave him a “weekend feeder.” And then when I came home, I forgot all about him for a couple of weeks. My bad. I was unsure of what to do with his carcass, but I think I finally found the answer. I can’t reveal specific details yet, except to say that you should visit Ebay.Com in a few days.

DEER JAZMIN: U tink your so smartt, huh? But I tink your reeelly stoopid. Why do U haf 2 make fun of libbrals so much? Yeah, I are a libral!!! So wat! Duhs dat mak me dumm or someting? I tink not! Open you’re mind and remmember dat not every1 have 2 tink lik U doo! Me getz reeelly reeelly angree when U put us libberals down. So quit doingg dat, okkay? Jus stopp allready! —Mad in Milwawkee Millwakey da home of da Pakkers!

Dear Mad: The sad thing is, you probably went to college, didn’t you?

DEAR JASMINE: Love your site. I was wondering if you and your millions of readers would consider donating food to the victims of Hurricane Katrina through my special food collection drive? Do your part to help the victims! I’m collecting all kinds of food - perishables and non-perishables. I’ll take meats, desserts, pastas, Mexican, Italian, Chinese, soups, salads, appetizers, etc. Seriously, anything you’re willing to donate is fine. The more food you can give, the better. In fact, give till it hurts. It’s that important. So please consider sending food, okay? — M.M. in Hollywood

Dear M.M.: Look, Moore, you fat freak, consider this to be your last warning! Stop trying to get people to send food to you! The next letter you send like this, I’m reporting you to the proper authorities. I’m serious.

DEAR JASMINE: Sorry for this late “thank you” note. I’ve been really busy. But I do appreciate your invaluable consultations during last year’s campaign, and I’m wondering if you might be available to help me again in 2008. Yes, I’m definitely planning to run for the presidency again. I feel I am the best man to lead the Democratic Party to victory. I mean, sure, I made mistakes the last time. I’m not sure exactly what I did wrong to anger the Christian voting bloc in ‘04 - after all, I followed your advice to the letter - but this time I’m sure I can do better with those religious bigots! Just let me know if you have any words of advice for me. Appreciate it! — H. Dean

Dear H. Dean: As always, I’m happy to help you. Yeah, I’m not sure what happened in ‘04. But this time, try attracting the Christian vote by telling them how much you wish you were one of Jesus’s disciples. If the media asks you which of Jesus’s 12 disciples you most admire, just say, “I’d have to say the leader of the bunch, that guy ‘Mickey.’” That’ll impress them.

DEAR JASMINE: Yeh, I attendoned college. So wat? I went to a promiscuous college in Callifornia and I gradjuatted with honorz! So stopp insulteeng me allreedy. U R makking me so very madd! Pee S: Wad Churchelll wuz my proffesser, and he taut me everyting I no!!! So thair!!! — Me Again in Milw- aww, U know!

Dear Retard: Isn’t Churchill a professor at Colorado?

DEAR JASMINE: You say you’re in Hawaii, but are you sure you’re not in Tennessee? Know what I’m asking? Because you’re the only “10″ that I see! *LOL!* Yes, I made that joke up just for you. I have a great sense of humor. Enclosed is “just a little something” from me to you. It’s just a reminder that I’m thinking of you, and I hope you will consider my invitation someday. — 4-Knee-Cator King on Planet Yowza

Dear Bill: For the last time, stop sending me these “gifts.” Do you really know what you can do with these cigars? Stop sending me these love letters! Oh, and tell Hillary to stop sending me her love letters, too.

YEAH ITS ME AGGIN: Yeah I went 2 Colorado. I just sed “Callifornia” B-cuz I didntt know how 2 spel “Colorado.” U tink your so ••••• smartt!!! — Gess Hoo?

Learning from Disaster

September 13th, 2005

There’s no way to minimize the effects of Hurricane Katrina; the resulting floods and wind damage simply jump off the scale in terms of loss of property, commerce and, of course, life. I never thought I’d see the day when a great American city like New Orleans would be devastated almost to the brink of extinction.

Yet, despite the reports we’ve been seeing about the unscrupulous looters and tiresome whiners, I’m pretty confident that, as a whole, America is made of tougher stuff. New Orleans will rebound from this - it may take months or even years, but the city will be back.

In my view, it’s up to make the best out of a bad situation. How, you ask, can we possibly find a silver lining to this sweeping dark cloud? Well, like everything else in life, we can learn from it.

We *MUST* learn from it.

Our government must learn how to better prepare and respond to these natural disasters. I’m talking county, state and federal - no one is immune from sharing in the responsibility of protecting our citizens. And residents themselves need to apply their common sense and learn to take these impending threats seriously.

Sept. 11 was a disaster of historic proportions, but we learned from it. Thus, we don’t have any excuses if we’re negligent enough to let another 9-11 happen. Like the old saying goes, “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.”

Hurricane Katrina was a disaster of historic proportions as well. Will we learn from it? Or are we just going to point fingers and try to lay blame on each other?

One thing I learned from Katrina was just how soon we can succumb to our wicked nature. It was disturbing and appalling to see looters running rampant in the streets. As soon as law was removed, lawlessness and anarchy set in. I always knew that we are inherently sinful, but I didn’t think we’d see people sinking so low, so fast.

On the other side, we’ve seen some really good people persevering through this ideal, too. We’ve seen just how selfless, loving and compassionate we can be.

I wish Hurricane Katrina never happened, but it did. It’s now up to us to learn from the experience. The ball is now in our court.

Assorted Ramblings

June 19th, 2005

Just a few assorted thoughts on for a warm, muggy Sunday afternoon:

1. First of all, Happy Father’s Day to all you dads out there! I know the Liberty News Forum is full of wonderful fathers, and I hope they enjoy their special day. For some reason, as our pastor pointed out this morning, Fathers Day doesn’t get the kind of attention that Mothers Day does. But that doesn’t mean that they’re any less important. I’m very grateful for my dad. I think I’ll always be his “little girl,” even though I’ll be 30 in just a few months!

2. I have a friend whose relative went missing for a day. He was eventually found, but it made me wonder what would’ve happened if he was still missing. Would our media pick up his story like the case of Natalee Holloway in Aruba or Elizabeth Smart? Every day, someone somewhere in our country goes missing. I wonder what the criteria is that makes news media cover a missing person’s case. Does the squeakiest wheel get the grease?

3. On Friday night, my boyfriend Scott and I went to a cocktail reception hosted by one of his clients. There was the usual small talk and mingling (I really hate that), but the food was really good! During the evening, we met a man who has his own architectural firm (or maybe he’s just a partner in the firm), and after some small talk, he invited me to join the company as a receptionist. He didn’t even ask me to send a resume or anything (which is good, because I don’t have one). I turned him down, but he asked me to think about it. This is kind of funny to me, because I have a standing offer by Scott’s boss to join as a receptionist, too.

4. Oh, on Friday Scott asked me to guess what he bought that day. When I gave up, he reached under his car seat and pulled up a couple of preseason college and pro football magazines! I just grimmaced and said, “Already?” and he laughed and laughed. He sure loves his football.

5. I used to say that I’m not really into TV like a lot of people are. I don’t watch sit-coms or dramas, and I haven’t watched a minute of shows like CSI, Sopranos or Survivor. But actually, I probably watch as much TV as anyone else; the difference is that I use my TV to watch DVDs. In the last few days alone, I must have watched five or six DVDS! Let’s see, I watched DVDs featuring the Road Warriors, the Greatest Wrestling Stars of the 80s, an Eagles concert, the movie Hitch, and a Charles Barkley DVD.

6. Amazingly, I haven’t watched a minute of the NBA Finals yet. Sorry, but I just can’t get excited about Detroit vs San Antonio. Maybe I’ll watch the game today, though.

7. I’m looking forward to the week ahead. I had a nice rest yesterday, and I’m ready for a productive and fun week! I hope you are, too!

Cross Road?

May 28th, 2005

All my life, I’ve been an underachiever. That’s what I’ve been told, and to be honest with you, it’s a charge that I can’t really deny.

The point was underscored on Thursday, when I “interviewed” for a retail manager’s job. Days before, this guy came to our shop and, out of the blue, asked me if I’d be interested in managing a new beachwear store that he was opening. (I sort of know him - he’s a “friend of a friend of a friend.”) Basically, he gave me a lot of compliments and suggested that we talk over lunch on Thursday. My aunty, who’s also my boss, said that if I’m interested, I owe it to myself to at least hear his employment pitch.

I admit, I got a little excited about the possibilities of running a store and trying to incorprorate my own ideas about making it successful. It seemed like a really good opportunity - and a challenge - for me.

But on Thursday at lunch, that “opportunity” really crashed down in a hurry. As we talked, it became apparent that he was really looking for an assistant manager. He was going to be the manager himself. And while he was pitching his business, he was also asking me a lot of personal questions, and it also became apparent that he was more interested in me personally than as a qualified employee. You women will know exactly what I’m talking about: He’s talking and talking, all the while undressing you with his eyes. I should have been angry, but I was more devastated.

I politely declined his job offer and cut short the lunch.

I was choking back tears as I returned to work that day. I felt humiliated. I mentioned this before to some of you, but when I was in my early 20s, my youngest brother told me, “You better keep your looks because you’re never going to make it on talent or brains.” And here I am today - I’m 29 now - and I still can’t take my brother’s words and make him eat them.

Sometimes, I even wonder if my boyfriend respects me for what I do. Scott is a hotshot “young executive,” and believe me, his career ambitions go off the richter scale. He’s earned his successes. But sometimes I wonder, when his arm is around me at the business socials and receptions we go to, if he simply thinks of me as a trophy of some kind. Professionally speaking, among his circle of business associates, I don’t come even close to measuring up.

But you know what? I have no one to blame but myself. I’m not going to blame my public school education or the fact that I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I mean, many of my high school classmates are big successes in their career fields today. We all took the same classes; they simply excelled while I underachieved. They had the ambition and determination to go to colleges and universities and trade schools, while I didn’t last past my junior year at the University of Hawaii.

I feel like I’m at a cross road in my life right now, in more ways than one. I’m happy where I am, but I feel like I should be doing more. Where do I go from here?

I pray about this a lot. I ask God to show me what direction He wants me to follow. I know He will open the right doors for me. But still, sometimes it bothers me that I’m not making the most of my potential.

That’s one reason why I enjoy the Liberty News Forum. There are so many people there who lead such exciting lives and fulfilling lives. There are many people there whom I admire. Take, for example, Bob Larkin. He wanted to accomplish more in life, so what does he do? He goes back to school to further his career goals. To me, that really shows determination and drive. It’s something that he really should be given credit for.

And then there’s Capitalist Pig, who is chasing his dream of becoming a professional scriptwriter. I have no doubt he’ll make it. Like Bob, he has the ambition and work ethic to match. Every time he shares a little of his successes, I’m so happy for him.

I feel like I’m in limbo sometimes - merely passing the time until the right door of opportunity opens for me. My mom always told me, “You need some kind of ambition. What do you want to do in life?”

I’m sure she’s still waiting for an answer. I just wish I had one for her.

Never Tap Out!

May 1st, 2005

I know this is going to come as a shock to you, but I was pretty annoying when I was a kid. My three older brothers thought I was a brat, and now, upon reflection, I admit they were probably right. I had a habit of crying whenever I played with them, and running to our mom in tears and getting them into trouble.

Man, those were the days!

One day, when I was about eight, two of my brothers and their friend were about to play “wrestling” in our backyard. Well, I wanted to play, too. But my brothers tried to shoo me away, telling me that I would just cry again. They also said I can’t handle wrestling with them. But, using my vast powers of persuasion - “I’m gonna tell Mom you won’t let me play!” - they soon relented. I was pretty steamed that they didn’t think I could be as tough as them.

So it was me and my youngest of my brothers against our middle brother and his friend. A tag-team extravaganza!

When I got in the “ring,” though (the ring was actually just a square patch of grass marked with slippers), my brother immediately tossed me to the ground and got me in a tight body scissors. He squeezed really hard, and there was no way for me to escape. Remember, I was still young at the time, and I hadn’t mastered the art of the eye gouge or throat punch.

He squeezed and squeezed, and tears began rolling down my cheeks. I began sobbing and whimpering, and they started to laugh at me.

“Quit!” my brother said, tightening his grip.

But I didn’t quit. I was really determined to prove my brothers wrong this time.

“Just quit already!” my other brother (my partner), said. So much for doing a run-in save.

“Give it up!” advised Kevin, my brothers’ friend.

I still remember the pain I felt. It was pretty excruciating. Later on, my brother would tell me that he wasn’t even squeezing his hardest. But I felt like a nut whose shell was about to be cracked open.

But still, I refused to quit. I didn’t “tap out.”

Believe it or not, that episode wound up being good for me. I learned to be tougher. I learned to endure hardships, even when I felt like giving up.

In politics, I think there are a lot of people who would benefit from the same lesson. There are too many politicians who prefer to take the easy way out rather than mustering up the courage to stick it out. Yes, maybe public opinion may be against you. Perhaps your fellow party members are against you. But if you believe in what you believe, you owe it to everybody to stay true to your ideals. Tough it out, no matter how painful things may get.

This also applies to many other aspects of life: Marriage. Work. Faith. Parenting. School. Finances. Too often, people simply give up and throw in the towel. This is a sad reflection of society. You’ve fallen “out of love” with your husband? Just divorce him. You’re in debt? Declare bankruptcy. You feel God has let you down? Find another god.

This isn’t the America that the world once knew. Too many Americans have become weak, either out of laziness or frustration.

We can do better.

As for the rest of my “wrestling” story, our Mom eventually saw what was happening and called off the match. She was furious at my brothers, but I actually went to bed that night feeling pretty good about myself. For once in my young life, I didn’t quit. I kind of gained a little respect from my brothers, too. And that made the pain worth it.

Thank You, Al Gore

May 1st, 2005

About seven years ago, I finally started doing the Internet thing. In my opinion, the Internet is one of the greatest inventions in history. It’s really changed the way we live - mostly for the better, although there are some drawbacks, too.

My first “visits” on the Internet were the pro wrestling sites. Right away, I got hooked because suddenly I had access to so much behind-the-scenes information. (In the past, I had to call those 900-numbers to get the latest pro wrestling gossip.) And then I discovered pro wrestling chatrooms. What a thrill it was to be able to “talk” wrestling with fans from all over the country! I began frequenting my favorite chat room day after day, almost without fail - once, I stayed in the chatroom for eight straight hours!

I admit I was pretty naive to chatrooms. That changed one day when there were only four of us in the “room,” and someone said we should pair off for “private chats.” I wasn’t quite sure what that meant, but it didn’t take long for me to find out. The next day, when I returned, the other three posters started ribbing me about why I “ran away.”

Then I started posting on wrestling message boards. Inevitably, politics would be discussed (politics has a way of creeping into every subject!), and I became known right away as a conservative.

So eventually, I wound up here, at the Liberty News Forum. It’s the best political discussion forum there is. I doubt that there’s another board that comes even close.

Think about it. Before the Internet, there was no way for a group of people from all over the country to interact so easily, so quickly. I consider it a privilege to be able to exchange ideas and opinions with wonderful people like Buckeye, DannyBorden, ProudVet, Weaselteeth, AmericanMom, LadyBug, Cross & Flag, FreedomLover, Capitalist Pig, Pepe, Justice For All, Bob Larkin, Autonomy, Yomo, Lintree, HarleyWoman, Left Wing Rider, Ubertrout, Jenny and many, many others.

(As a sidelight, I really like the creativity people have when it comes to their “screen” names!)

And the Internet is great for information. If I ever want the lyrics to Barry Manilow’s “Can’t Smile Without You,” for example, all I have to do is “Google” it, and voila!

The negatives? Well, obviously, you have to be discerning when it comes to believing the information you get on the ‘Net. There are lots of false stuff, scattered like potholes on the Information Superhighway. Also, I think there are too many people who take things too seriously or too personally when it comes to message boards and chatrooms. It shouldn’t be an aggravation to participate in these kinds of forums, but I guess it happens.

So today, let’s salute Al Gore for inventing the Internet! Thanks a bunch, Al. It must be a little sad to realize that, if it weren’t for inventing the ‘Net, you’d pretty much be good for nothing.

Movie Time!

March 30th, 2005

If you’re a movie lover like I am, then you know that there are lots of good movies coming out this summer. As a public service to you, I’m going to give you brief synopses of some of the more promising films. Unfortunately, I don’t have the official previews, so you’ll have to trust my movie expertise.

In no particular order, here are some of the hot movies of 2005:

“MONSTER-IN-LAW” - Bob and Mary Schindler, the parents of Terri Schiavo, “tell all” in this moving and heartfelt documentary. Michael Schiavo, by the way, is about to co-star in a movie with professor Ward Churchill (see “THE DEVIL’S REJECTS”).

“KICKING AND SCREAMING” - In a stunning film of discovery, John Kerry finally comes to terms with the fact that he lost the election.

“XXX: STATE OF THE UNION” - I didn’t get the official synopsis on this one, but I’m guessing that this is a biopic of Bill Clinton’s Presidency.

“BEAUTY SHOP” - This promising film expertly documents the step-by-step process it takes for shop patron (and liberal journalist) Helen Thomas to turn into a ravishing beauty. Insiders say “Beauty Shop” is realistic, gripping and wonderfully detailed. The only problem is that the film is 17 hours long.

“THE PINK PANTHER” - In this modern-day remake of the all-time classic, French leader Jacque Chirac takes on the role of a stumbling, bumbling Frenchman in desperate search for a clue.

“FANTASTIC FOUR” - Finally! It’s about time someone did a movie about America’s greatest quartet: President Bush, VP Cheney, Condi Rice and Donald Rumsfeld!

“HOUSE OF FLYING DAGGERS” - This epic tale documents, for the first time anywhere, that tension-filled hour after Bill Clinton arrived home and told Hillary about Monica.

“THE LONGEST YARD” - This is a documentary about Michael Moore’s first attempt at jogging.

“DIARY OF A MAD BLACK WOMAN.” Seriously, who cares whether Maxine Waters kept a diary?

Know Your Role

March 15th, 2005

Over a decade ago, then-NBA superstar Charles Barkley came out with a TV commercial for Nike. You probably remember it. He simply looked straight into the camera and said, “I am not a role model.” And then he said, “Just because I can dunk a basketball doesn’t mean I should raise your kids.”

If I remember correctly, that commercial generated quite a bit of discussion — not just in the sports community, but within the general community as well. I’m sure Barkley, who enjoys lighting a spark of controversy every now and then, had that in mind when he brought his ad idea to Nike. And yes, his point about parents needing to accept more responsibility in the upbringing of their children was a good one.

But sorry, Charles. Whether you like it or not, you are a role model.

You were then, and you still are now, even in retirement.

How can I say this with such confidence? Easy.

We are *ALL* role models.

Think about it. Everybody has some degree of influence over someone else. It doesn’t matter how old you are or how young you are (well, unless you’re an infant or toddler). It doesn’t matter how rich or poor you are. Your looks don’t matter, and neither does your I.Q. or even your political allegiences. There is someone out there who looks up to you and can be influenced by you.

So really, the question is, what kind of role model are you?

The good thing about being a role model is, you don’t have to be perfect. (If you were perfect, people wouldn’t look up to you; they’d pray *TO* you!) I admire President Bush so much, but he’s not perfect. He’s made his share of mistakes in life. We all have.

I’d like to think that I learned from my mistakes. But being the imperfect person that I am, sometimes I find myself making the same mistakes over and over again. But still, I keep trying. I do the best that I can.

I try my best because I know that’s what God expects from me. But I also try my best because I have a young nephew and niece who watch how I act and behave. I try my best because I have a handful of Sunday School students who are eager to see whether I just talk the talk, or actually walk the walk. And I try my best because I have other family members, friends and co-workers–even Scott, my boyfriend–whom I want to set a good example for.

If you think “I am not a role model,” I think you’re copping out on a very important responsibility. It’s a responsibility, in my opinion, that should be eagerly embraced rather than cast aside. God has given us the tools to really make a difference in other people’s lives. Let’s not waste them.

The Issue Of Hawaiian Sovereignty

March 2nd, 2005

HAWAII’S SECESSIONISTS

By Michelle Malkin February 28, 2005 05:58 AM

Tomorrow is Sen. John McCain’s hearing of S. 147, the Native Hawaiian Government Reorganization Act of 2005. The bill is also known as the Akaka bill, after the bill’s principal sponsor, Sen. Daniel Akaka (D-Hawaii). Tomorrow’s hearing, which begins at 10 am eastern time, will be broadcast live over the internet through a link provided on the web page of the Indian Affairs Committee at http://indian.senate.gov/.

The Akaka bill would establish a new government for descendants of Native Hawaiians. A “United States Office for Native Hawaiian Relations” similar to the Bureau of Indian Affairs would direct federal policy. A “Native Hawaiian Interagency Coordinating Group” would oversee public health, welfare and education programs for Native Hawaiians would be eligible.

Link to full column:

For many Hawaii residents, the issue of Hawaiian sovereignty is a touchy subject. If you say that you’re against the idea, you’re automatically regarded as a cold-hearted racist who is prejudiced against native Hawaiians. If you say that you support sovereignty for Hawaiians, however, other people will say you’re opening a Pandora’s Box that may never be sealed again.

I am squarely against it. Always have been.

I’m not going to justify America’s hostile takeover of the Hawaiian Islands. In 1893, a group of American businessman coerced Queen Liliuokalani into surrendering her authority to them. Five years later, I believe, Hawaii was annexed into the U.S. In 1900 or thereabouts, Hawaii officially became a U.S. Territory. Statehood would come in 1959.

For Liliuokalani, the hardships didn’t end when her power was usurped. A few years later, she was accused of being part of a coup attempt. Eventually, she was sentenced to house arrest, and her people would gaze into the windows of the two-story Iolani Palace and catch glimpses of the forlorn queen. It is said she died a beaten and dispirited woman.

Was the U.S. wrong in upholding the takeover? I’d say so.

But I’m glad it did. If not, I would not be here today.

You can’t turn back the clock. You can’t relive the past. What’s done is done, and I’d say Hawaii benefitted from being part of the USA.

Libbies might counter with, “You’re not Hawaiian, so you have no idea why Hawaiians feel the way they do about sovereignty.” Well, my response to that would be, “I don’t care.”

They’re right: I’m not Hawaiian. I am an American.

I hope the Akaka Bill collapses under the weight of its own nonsense. And on a personal note, I hope that, if the bill does pass, President Bush will veto that bill right in Sen. Akaka’s face. He voted against the appointment of Condi Rice as Secretary of State.