All That Jaz

Okay, as you all know, there has been much debate recently about this so-called “waterboarding” interrogation technique. Some people call it torture, while others insist it is merely an unpleasant-but-effective technique designed to get crucial information. Well, as a public service to my friends at the Liberty News Forum, I decided to undergo this “waterboarding” and report back the results. Here are my findings.

I went into the shower and turned the water on. Immediately, I felt a level of discomfort. I wanted to “give up,” so to speak.

But then, the water gradually got warmer. So I was fine.

I stood under the water for what seemed like minutes. The water kept pouring on me. At about the two-minute mark, I felt I was drowning. Again, at this point I was ready to give up.

Then, a thought hit me: “Breathe.” So I did. And I was fine again.

I thought I was going to be able to beat this. The water kept coming, but I was standing firm.

Then it happened. I felt this other substance being applied to my head, in addition to the water.

Panic set in. Obviously, I was not expecting the session to reach the next level so soon. Immediately, I tried to shut my eyes tight, but it was too late. Some of it seeped in.

The substance stung. It was, well, how can I describe it? It was…….soapy.

Next thing I know, the substance mixed with water was being scrubbed all over my head! Again, fear set in. Would more of this lathery stuff get in my eyes?

About two minutes later, it was over. I had survived this waterboarding thing. I’ll admit, it wasn’t easy. But I think I am a better person for having gone through it. Without a doubt, I felt cleaner somehow. I heartily recommend waterboarding to *ALL* captive terrorists, whether they have information or not. In the end, they will feel better about themselves.

Sometimes, reality can take all the fun out of posting in forums.

Or maybe, it’s a needed wake-up call that reminds us of what’s truly important in life.

Everyone has his or her own reasons for participating in Internet forums. Some people love to debate the issues. Others seek to sway others to their side of political idealogy. Still others simply like to stay informed. Me? I’ve always admitted that, first and foremost, I enjoy the entertainment value of interacting with others. I like sharing my opinions and expressing myself, but if it’s not fun, it’s not worth it.

I enjoy exchanging jabs and barbs with others. I think this stems from my younger days. I mentioned this before, but I have three older brothers who I fought with all the time. I could never beat them physically, but for some reason I always had a knack for verbal jabs that really stuck it to them. The problem with me was, I didn’t always know when to stop. That’s very true now, here at Liberty News Forum, where I’m the “Queen of Mean” or “Jas-Mean” or, my favorite, “The Jasminator.” I don’t mind taking shots, and I definitely enjoy dishing them right back.

Okay.

Like I said, reality has a way of intruding in on the fun. I was reminded of this tonight, when I read LadyLawyer’s post about her illness. She spent several days at the hospital.

Now, I’m not a fan of LadyLawyer. There are times when I can barely tolerate her. But reading her post, I could visualize in my mind LL in a hospital bed, suffering from whatever malady she has. It’s enough to bring tears to my eyes, really. A sudden sadness came over me. Even though I don’t necessarily like LL’s views, I don’t want her to be sick. That just sucks.

I have a hard time dealing with death. It’s a subject that I often struggle with. When I heard about the passing of Roger in this forum, I nearly quit posting here. This may sound silly, but the very thought of someone I come to know - even if it’s just on the Internet - passing away is very hard for me to deal with. Lots of times, I think about people who don’t post at LNF anymore - people like ProudVet, Weaselteeth, American Patriot, Cross&Flag, Justice For All, etc. - and I worry about what’s happened to them.

Does this sound a bit macabre? I don’t mean it to be. I’m not suggesting that LadyLawyer is deathly ill (I hope not). But it’s times like this that break the “reality barrier,” so to speak, and remind me that none of us are invulnerable to life’s difficulties - even the characters we deal with on the Internet.

*FOX NEWS ALERT!* We now take you live to the White House, where President Jasmine is addressing the national media. She is expected to discuss her side of the story about the controversial greeting she presented Saudi King Abdullah last week. This controversy is remiscent of 2009, when then-President Barack Obama bowed before King Abdullah. Let’s go now to the White House…*

PRESIDENT JASMINE: …and so, in conclusion, I don’t feel like I did anything wrong. Any questions?

HELEN THOMAS: I have a question…

PRESIDENT JASMINE: Not you, you decaying, wrinkled up ogre. Anybody else? Ken?

KEN CAMERON: Madam President, did you receive any formal protest from the Saudis?

PRESIDENT JASMINE: Maybe. I got some voice mail from them. They sounded angry, but I have no idea what they were saying. Gimme a break. I don’t understand monkey language.

KEN CAMERON: Don’t you have a translator?

PRESIDENT JASMINE: Yeah, but Barack was sick that day. Next question. You, sir…

KATIE COURIC: …

PRESIDENT JASMINE: Oops. Sorry, Katie. You really gotta stop looking like a butch.

KATIE COURIC: Madam President, let me make sure I understand you. You really believe that you did nothing wrong?

PRESIDENT JASMINE: Yes. Seriously, what did I do?

KATIE COURIC: YOU PATTED HIM ON THE HEAD LIKE HE WAS A DOG!

PRESIDENT JASMINE: And?

KATIE COURIC: And you don’t see anything wrong with that?

PRESIDENT JASMINE: Hey, I trust my own judgment, okay? I went with my intuition. I didn’t think he’d bite, and he didn’t. I should have checked for fleas, tho’…

GEORGE STEPONMYMARSHMALLOWS: You created a serious international incident. The king’s royal guard was ready to attack you.

PRESIDENT JASMINE: Yeah, but they didn’t. They were afraid of my *ONE* big, bad, scary Secret Service agent.

KEN CAMERON: Speaking of which, Madam President, how long is Michelle Obama expected to serve as your Secret Service agent?

PRESIDENT JASMINE: Ken, I told you before, you are not to refer to her as Michelle Obama any more. Use her code name: Magilla the Killa Gorilla.

KEN CAMERON: Sorry.

I think, by now, it should be obvious to any intelligent observer that America has gone beyond dipping its toe in the socialist waters to test the temperature. Under Barack Obama and his administration, we’ve practically dived in head first.

But Obama, I think, is merely a symptom of the cancer. What caused this?

I see two causes.

First, ever since FDR weakened America with socialist policies and programs, Americans have slowly been conditioned to rely on government. Our nation has lost much of its edge in terms of accepting personal responsibility for our actions. Instead, we’ve become a society of whiners with a sense of entitlement. We’ve allowed and even encouraged government to implement socialist intrusions upon private business - such as minimum wage, affirmative action, etc. We are so mired in our own laziness that we feel compelled to strike out against the wealthy, thinking that it’s so unfair for one segment of society to have all the wealth.

Secondly, we have lost much of our morals. Stealing, greed and lust are all sins, yet these things are largely celebrated in our nation today. Many wealthy people aren’t satisfied with the blessings they have; instead, they are conditioned to want more and more, even at the expense of their own character.

When you combine the two reasons above, you get an environment that breeds and practically oozes socialism.

I’ve said it before: Democracy is reserved only for moral societies. The further our nation dips into the moral abyss, the less of a free nation we will be, and the closer we will embrace the evils of socialism.

Here’s a skit that focuses on the idea of term limits for our power-hungry moguls in Congress. I firmly believe that much of the problems we have in government today are due to the fact that we allow these people to make careers out of politics. They’re so focused on keeping their seats in power that they render themselves useless in terms of doing what’s best for the American people. Well, enjoy:

JASMINE: Welcome, friends, to another sizzling edition of “All That Jaz!”

*Audience cheers: “Jasmine! Jasmine! JASMINE!”*

JASMINE: Aw, thank you, guys! You’re too kind. Hey, we’ve got a great show for you today. Our special guest is a composite of all of our elected senators and representatives in Washington DC! Let’s bring him out now. Give it up for Joe Politician!

*Audience boos as Joe Politician walks to the stage*

JOE POLITICIAN: Uh, hi Jasmine. I’m glad to be here.

JASMINE: Welcome, sir. Thanks for joining us today. Today, the topic we’ll discuss is “term limits.”

JOE POLITICIAN: What? Uhhh, I was told…I was told, ummm… I thought the topic was going to be our economy.

JASMINE: Yeah, well, we had a change of plans. See, I started thinking about it, and I’ve concluded that most of nation’s problems can be traced to the lack of term limits for our people in Congress. Do you agree?

JOE POLITICIAN: Uhhhh. Ummm. I don’t know. Can I get back to you on that?

JASMINE: Why can’t you give me your opinion now?

JOE POLITICIAN: Well, I just…ummm. Well, what do the opinion polls say?

JASMINE: See, that’s what I’m talking about. You Congress people don’t have any backbone to make the right decisions for your constituents. Your actions can change with the wind, depending on opinion polls and such. All you care about is getting reelected. Isn’t that true?

JOE POLITICIAN: Uhhh, I need a drink.

JASMINE: That’s the Ted Kennedy part peeking through you.

*Audience roars with laughter. “TED’S A DRUNK! TED’S A DRUNK! TED’S A DRUNK!”*

JOE POLITICIAN: Look, I just don’t want to debate without the facts. I suck at this.

JASMINE: You suck? That’s the Barney Frank part peeking through you.

*Audience laughs some more. “BARNEY’S GAY! BARNEY’S GAY!”*

JOE POLITICIAN: Don’t you people insult me. I’m a man!

JASMINE: That’s Nancy Pelosi.

*Audience roars with laughter*

JASMINE: Think for a minute, Joe. You say anything to get elected. And once you’re elected, what’s the first priority you have?

JOE POLITICIAN: Getting re-elected, of course. I want to serve the people. I can’t serve if I’m not in office.

JASMINE: Uh huh. And then when you get re-elected, what is your first priority?

JOE POLITICIAN: Getting re-elected again, of course. I want to serve the people. I can’t serve if I’m not in office.

JASMINE: Right. So, at what point do you actually start concentrating on “serving the people”?

JOE POLITICIAN: …

JASMINE: Exactly. You won’t do anything meaningful, will you? You won’t do your job. You just go whichever way the winds blow. You have no backbone to do what is right, because you’re afraid the voters won’t like it.

JOE POLITICIAN: Well, what do you suggest, smarty pants?

JASMINE: All politicians should have term limits imposed on them. Two terms, max. No more career politicians. That way, if you’re going to run for office, know that your time there will be limited. Do what people elected you to do: serve. If you can’t agree to that, you don’t deserve to be in office in the first place. Do you agree?

JOE POLITICIAN: I don’t know. Uhh, what do the opinion polls say?

JASMINE: You know what? Let’s take a poll right now. Hey Jasminaholics! Do you want me to bash Joe Politician’s head with a steel chair?

*Audience goes wild: “YES! YES! YES! BASH HIS HEAD! BASH HIS HEAD! BASH HIS HEAD!”*

JOE POLITICIAN: I don’t like this poll.

JASMINE: *Picks up steel chair* Well, the people have spoken, don’t you think?

JOE POLITICIAN: Look, I know you want me to agree to term limits. But I can’t. I mean, that’s like asking Shady Larva to give up abortions. It’s all I know. Please, try to understand. What do you want me to do, get a regular job?

JASMINE: Sir, consider your term in Congress officially “limited.” In fact, consider it over as…of…now!

*Jasmine winds up and clobbers Joe Politician with steel chair, knocking him unconscious and into a crumpled heap on the floor*

*Audience shouts its approval*

JASMINE: Tune in next week, folks, when we try to “term limit” some other Congressional piece of garbage!

The local newspaper headline this morning said it all: “Jobless Rate at 30-Year High.” The accompanying news article says that Hawaii’s unemployment rate has reached 6.5%. That is a huge jump because not too long ago that number was about 2.5%. Yes, things are tough all over, even in paradise.

I know of at least six friends or family members who have been laid off from work since the start of the year. At my workplace, everyone had to take a salary cut. If a staff reduction becomes necessary, my boss (who happens to be my aunty) and I both agree that I would be the first to go. Although I have seniority over a couple of my coworkers, I’m in a better position than them to make do without a job for a while.

Maybe you’re facing a similar situation. Or maybe you’ve already lost your job. Perhaps our struggling economy has hurt you in some other way. Everything’s gloom and doom, right?

Wrong.

If you’re a regular at the Liberty News Forum, you know that I rarely participate in discussions about our economy and the seemingly myriad ways to fix it. I don’t know much about economics - I got a D in Economy in both high school and college - and it’s not a topic that interests me. So I don’t know how long our economic downturn will last. I don’t know if we’re heading for another Great Depression or not. (Why do they call it that, anyway? What was so “great” about it?)

But I do know this: I’m not going to worry about it. Why? Here are three reasons:

1. “Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge.” - Psalm 62:8

3. “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is life not more important than food and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?” - Matthew 6:25-27

I have great comfort in the fact that God is in control of everything. Things may get better, or things may get worse, God will sustain us.

In times such as this, I think it’s important to take stock in your life and recognize that God has blessed you in many ways. Yes, the economy is bad, but there are a lot more important things than money. Our nation’s leaders seem bent on destroying everything that made America great, but that doesn’t mean they can destroy you.

Take a few minutes to count your blessings. For myself, I’m thankful for my family, my friends and for Scott. I’m grateful for God watching over me. And above all, I’m grateful for my relationship with God. Nothing can change that.

I think that if you count your blessings every day and recognize the truly good things we have in our life, every day will be a victory.

Here’s a recent skit I wrote after the small controversy over President Obama’s “Special Olympics” remark on the Jay Leno show. The ironic thing is that I use “Special Olympics” jokes all the time.

“This is a Fox News Alert! We now take you LIVE to Washington DC, where President Obama is competing against a Special Olympics bowler in a friendly game of bowling! As you know, the President got in hot water recently when he insulted Special Olympians everywhere on the Jay Leno Show. As a result, Special Olympics issued a challenge to the President, and this is the result. We now take you to the bowling alley with our correspondent, Jasmine. Jasmine?”

JASMINE: Thanks, Brett. Well, the game is already well underway. In fact, we’re in the third frame, and already the Special Olympics kid is putting a whupping on President Obama. The score so far is 68 to 26. Next to me to provide analysis is a veteran Special Olympics bowling champ. How would you assess the game so far, sir?

SLOW POCKETS: I lyke to eet buggz.

JASMINE: Thank you for that analysis. Well, both competitors are miked. Let’s see for ourselves how the game is progressing!

(Frame 4)

SPECIAL OLYMPIAN: Ha ha! I’m far out in the lead already, Mr. President! Try to keep up, OK?

PRESIDENT OBAMA: There’s still plenty of bowling to play, young man. And as my good friend Barney Frank likes to say, I do my best work coming from behind.

*******************

(Frame 6)

SPECIAL OLYMPIAN: Wow, Mr. President! You suck! Hahaha! You’re choking on my dust!

PRESIDENT OBAMA: I’m not giving up, kid. You keep doing your best. Remember the tortoise beat the hare.

*******************

(Frame

SPECIAL OLYMPIAN: Hee hee! Mr. President, I’m like so waaaay ahead! I’m having my best game ever. You can’t win!

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Yes, you’re doing fine, son. But it’s not always about winning. I’m going to finish strong, just watch!

*******************

(After the game)

JASMINE: Wow, this was a one-sided game! I guess Mr. Obama has learned his lesson! By our tally, the Special Olympics bowler scored an all-time best of 206, while President Obama scored an 89. But wait! The Special Olympian looks really upset! He’s crying. Let’s see what they’re saying down there…

SPECIAL OLYMPIAN: You can’t do that!!!

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Like my campaign slogan said, Yes I Can! I’m issuing an executive order to take one-half of your total points, and transferring them to me. So now the score is 103 for you, and 192 for me. I guess I win…

SPECIAL OLYMPIAN: Whaaat? THAT’S *#&!%@! RETARDED!!!

PRESIDENT OBAMA: It’s good to, you know, spread the wealth around. Thanks for bailing me out, kid.

Welcome back, everyone, to an all-new edition of “All That Jaz!”

Some of you may know that I had a previous blog, but that was lost when I left the Liberty News Forum for a few months. Although I didn’t update it very often, it was award-winning stuff. If you never read it, you really missed out. In the various entries, I shared a little bit about myself; made fun of Cindy Sheehan; drew comparisons between American politics and the Von Erich-Freebirds wrestling feud; talked about style vs substance; and so much more. Sadly, I never copied any of my blogs for safe keeping, and so now they’re all gone. And, frankly, I don’t think I can ever get that clever again. (Boo hoo, me, boo hoo!)

But that’s okay. No sense dwelling on the losses. In fact, I want “All That Jaz” to focus on good things. I want this place to be fun to visit. Oh, I’m sure I’ll gripe here and there about how President Obama sucks as our nation’s leader, but there won’t be too much of that. Why belabor the obvious? Instead, I’m aiming to make this blog befitting of my personality. So visit often, and I guarantee you will feel happy and loved. You will laugh and cry. You will come away feeling a sense of hope and optimism. And every once in a while, you’ll leave with a bloody nose.

Also, I’m planning to use this blog as a “storage” place to keep some of my favorite posts at the LNF. Think of it as a “Best of Jasmine.” (I know, I know. It’s hard to choose the very “best” when just about everything I write is gold. But I’ll be as selective as possible.)

A special “Mahalo!” to Admin for allowing me to have this blog.

See you again soon!