*FOX NEWS ALERT!* We now take you live to the White House, where President Jasmine is addressing the national media. She is expected to discuss her side of the story about the controversial greeting she presented Saudi King Abdullah last week. This controversy is remiscent of 2009, when then-President Barack Obama bowed before King Abdullah. Let’s go now to the White House…*
PRESIDENT JASMINE: …and so, in conclusion, I don’t feel like I did anything wrong. Any questions?
HELEN THOMAS: I have a question…
PRESIDENT JASMINE: Not you, you decaying, wrinkled up ogre. Anybody else? Ken?
KEN CAMERON: Madam President, did you receive any formal protest from the Saudis?
PRESIDENT JASMINE: Maybe. I got some voice mail from them. They sounded angry, but I have no idea what they were saying. Gimme a break. I don’t understand monkey language.
KEN CAMERON: Don’t you have a translator?
PRESIDENT JASMINE: Yeah, but Barack was sick that day. Next question. You, sir…
KATIE COURIC: …
PRESIDENT JASMINE: Oops. Sorry, Katie. You really gotta stop looking like a butch.
KATIE COURIC: Madam President, let me make sure I understand you. You really believe that you did nothing wrong?
PRESIDENT JASMINE: Yes. Seriously, what did I do?
KATIE COURIC: YOU PATTED HIM ON THE HEAD LIKE HE WAS A DOG!
PRESIDENT JASMINE: And?
KATIE COURIC: And you don’t see anything wrong with that?
PRESIDENT JASMINE: Hey, I trust my own judgment, okay? I went with my intuition. I didn’t think he’d bite, and he didn’t. I should have checked for fleas, tho’…
GEORGE STEPONMYMARSHMALLOWS: You created a serious international incident. The king’s royal guard was ready to attack you.
PRESIDENT JASMINE: Yeah, but they didn’t. They were afraid of my *ONE* big, bad, scary Secret Service agent.
KEN CAMERON: Speaking of which, Madam President, how long is Michelle Obama expected to serve as your Secret Service agent?
PRESIDENT JASMINE: Ken, I told you before, you are not to refer to her as Michelle Obama any more. Use her code name: Magilla the Killa Gorilla.
KEN CAMERON: Sorry.